WORKING

Was I the only one working yesterday? A lot of my friends, and apparently a lot of my possessions, were off the clock.

For instance, my cell phone. I got up to turn off the alarm and noticed the screen was black. Weird. I turned it off. I turned it on. Nothing. It was making all the right noises but nothing was showing up. Really, cell phone? How am I supposed to send/receive texts or know if I miss a call because I am "working"? I turned it off then on again and still nothing. I packed a lunch to eat at my desk so that I could go get a new phone on my break. I was driving to work, pondering where the closest T-Mobile is to my office, when I decided to try one last tactic: the old-fashioned, last-ditch Whack It Hard Against Something method. So I slammed my cell phone 5 or 6 times onto my steering wheel. I'm sure the drivers beside me thought I had some hardcore road rage. I would have kept going but then I got scared about the air-bag deploying, like that's something I wanted to deal with. But turns out I didn't need to keep going because The Whack It Hard Against Something way worked and guess what? My cell phone screen came to life. That's right. If I have to work on a national holiday, cell phone, so do you. And I'll beat your head against my steering wheel again every time I catch you slacking off.

I'm talking to you too, earring backs. I'm not sure why yesterday of all days you both decide that plunging off the back of my pearl earrings, freefalling down my shirt and lodging into my bra is your new hobby. Don't get me wrong, I am totally impressed by your ability to do this since after all, I did have on a turtleneck. But honestly? Not the best day for me. Can we save the high-dive training for another day? Or may I interest you in another olympic sport, like the sport of Staying Where You're Supposed To? That is your only job, earring backs. To sit still. It's not hard. Get together with earrings and come up with a plan to entertain yourselves (I'll beat up the cell phone against the steering wheel again if you want) but guess what? I have to work and so do you.