Wednesday, September 08, 2010


Last week was the first football game for a whole legion of new students at Auburn. I have a LOT of memories from my time at Auburn but my very first game as a student is a memory I do not like to think about.

I had a new outfit, a new boyfriend and could not have been more excited about my first game as an official Auburn student aka on The Other Side of the Fence. If you are familiar with Jordan-Hare, you know that a few years back they erected a chain-link fence on either side of the student section. I always wondered if that fence was designed to keep the students in, or to keep the non-students out. I would soon find out.

Part of being a pledge freshman is that you often get tapped to go and save seats for the upperclassmen – this is before they started handing out those tickets for block seating. We were still a good hour or more away from kickoff but the Fiji pledges were looking large and in charge holding down section 27. So there we were, a group of about 45 or 50 (pledges, plus dates), when a cop marched up to our group.

“Which one of you is Josh S********?” he bellowed.

At this point, I wanted to die. Like I said, Josh was my brand-new boyfriend. We had met that summer at CWE. All I knew about him was where he was from, that he was trying to pledge Fiji and had the MOST GORGEOUS blue eyes I had ever seen in my 18 years (I guess I have a thing for blue-eyed boys). Coincidentally, my best friend’s older brother happened to be a Fiji and at the end of the summer, when he confirmed that they offered a summer bid to the boy with blue eyes from Clay, I knew I could make my move find Josh at the first band party of the school year. Which I did. By the end of the night, he’d asked me to the football game. We hung out almost every day that week and it was going well.

Until NOW. The pledges parted like the red sea to turn and point in unison to poor Josh. He looked stunned. The officer zeroed in on Josh and I just knew he was about to arrest him for selling drugs outside the stadium and we were both going to go to jail. But instead, he asked Josh a question that probably sealed the downfall of the relationship right then and there.

“Where’s your date, Lindsay?”

Cue sweet little Josh AND all the pledges pointing at ME. WHAT THE HELL! I didn’t do anything wrong, unless looking this awesome on a first date is a crime! Someone call a lawyer! Whatever it is, I didn’t do it!

I swear to you that I would rather that cop had drawn his gun and shot me then have said out loud, in public, what came next. “Your mother wants to see you over at the fence.”

NOW I REALLY wanted to die. And I was fully prepared to take my mom down with me. Unbelievable. The game hadn’t even started, and she’d managed to ruin it for me. I told him he’d have to handcuff me first – I was not budging. I looked over to her, parked at the fence and grinning like the cheshire cat. I gave the cutthroat sign. Then I think my next action was to whip out my cell phone and call my dad to beg him to put my mother in the first car back to Birmingham.

This may sound dramatic, but if you’ve ever been on a first date, picture yourself on that first date and surrounded by 40+ other people you are not dating but still trying to make a great impression on, and then throw in a police officer walking up and telling you that your mother wants to see you.

Her side of the story is that she was standing at the fence (mistake #1 – what are we, circus animals? Sit down!) with her binoculars (SERIOUSLY? we were two sections away not two miles) when the cop came up to HER and asked whom she was looking for. Well, that opened the floodgates. She rattled off my name, a description of what I had on, my date’s name (obviously) and pointed out where we were sitting. But yet, she claims she was SURPRISED when the cop turned tail and went to go find me! She says she never asked him to go find me. Because what part of standing at the fence with binoculars does not indicate I wish to speak to someone on the other side of that fence? I will never believe her. Whatever that cop did, she invited it.

So from this we learn two things – 1. That fence is 100%, most definitely there to keep non-students out/away from the students (still not far enough); 2. My mother is certifiably crazy. And of course Josh and I broke up a few months later, like I didn't see THAT coming. I'm sure he's married into a family much more normal than my own.

Ahhh memories. Happy Wednesday.


  1. Hilarious! I love your mama stories!

  2. This story made my day

  3. omg. that is hysterical. i would have died.

  4. Ok...this is hilarious! Your mom cracks me up. This is my second favorite "mom" story, right behind the robin eggs.

  5. I've never been more glad that my family's seats are in the upper deck!

  6. This is fantastic. Lofton and I were actually discussing that exact football game yesterday. Oh the days!

  7. MY DEFENSE I WILL CARRY TO MY GRAVE!!! 1) I never told the cop to go find you. 2)He was young enough to be my son and I think he did this just to be funny and embarrass you. It worked. 4) Never trust a cop that looks like he hasn't reached puberty yet. 6)If I am ever behind a fence and you want to see me, I will come running. 7) I love you my Cabbage!
    One thing we agree on here: that blue eyed boy was cute!

  8. LOL LOL LOL...Love it love it love it

  9. This is the best story ever. It needs to be on your sidebar!!!

  10. Mom - did you intentionally leave out numbers 3 and 5? I can't believe you are an educator.

    PS - your defense SUCKS! You did it on purpose and you know it :)

  11. By chance is Josh's last name Simmons? I worked with a Josh Simmons in Auburn for a little over a year. He was a couple years older than me, from the B'ham area, I think Clay in fact, and was a Fiji at Auburn. And he had pretty blue eyes.

    Alas, we were both fired from our jobs on the same day earlier this year and have since gone on to bigger and better things!

    But, he's not married!

  12. BUSTED!!!!!
    Lindsay, He is holding out for you!

  13. HOWEVER, the breakup didn't happen until after you and I prepared a spaghetti feast for your man and 3Buck. I believe your mother even mailed us a baggie of spices for the spaghetti, bay leaf included. Man we were cool. :)


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