Thursday, April 09, 2009

STALKED (part 4)

So, "Tom" called again. Which I knew would happen, because I was talking about him Monday night, and mentioned he hadn't come around for a while so maybe he'd gotten the hint. Well of course that means he will show up or call the next day.

Which he did--twice. I had a voicemail from him when I got into work yesterday morning (left at 6 pm the evening before), and he called again yesterday at 4:30.

So I propose this -- all you people who think it's time I send an e-mail to him, I agree. But I am not sure exactly how to write it. So each of who think it's so overdue and that it'll be so easy - hit the comment button below this post and YOU do it. I want you each to write a sample e-mail to "Tom." Share what you would write. Make it serious, make it funny, make it rhyme, make it short and sweet: I don't care.

The winning composition will get a prize: I will, via iTunes, gift to you a song that I have picked out that is entirely appropriate for this situation. Not telling what it is yet though. You'll have to wait and see.

So, bring it on. I'm dumping "Tom" and I need your help! Make 'em good, people.

*Not his real name.
**Maybe he is calling because he heard on the radio that she will be performing here tonight. He wouldn't be the first.


  1. I would say:

    I hope you are well. I regret to say, however, that I cannot accept personal calls and visitors while I am working.
    Thank you,

    Then, if (when) he says "let's hang out after work, then!" You can tell him that you have a serious boyfriend and would not be comfortable with that.

  2. To my favorite stalker,

    According to my facebook profile, I have enough friends to keep me busy. Thanks for the friendship request, but I'm going to have to say...thanks but no thanks. I hear there are some really nice people that work over at _____ (enter another museum name).

    See ya bye.

  3. MB's sarcastic mean friend :)4/09/2009 1:35 PM

    Dear Tom,

    Pursuing: Making it clear through words or actions that you are interested as more than friends.

    Stalking: Continuing pursuit despite non-responsiveness or flat-out rejection.

    Pursuit: Calling a woman and asking her out for a drink.
    Stalking: Drunk (or sober) dialing a woman at 3am repeatedly. (Actually, don't do it even once.)

    Pursuit: Emailing a woman with a funny joke.
    Stalking: Adding her to your spam list, emailing her more than once without a response (unless sending a single follow-up with time-sensitive information), trying to hack into her email account by guessing her mother's maiden name...

    Pursuit: Googling her name to check out her online presence (c'mon, you know we all do it)
    Stalking: Paying 1800-US-SEARCH for his credit report, bank statements and background check etc.

    Pursuit: Telling her you like her.
    Stalking: Telling her you love her (when you never went out with her).

    Pursuit: Leaving a v-mail message that says, "So, I was wondering if you'd like to go for a hike sometime." Or in your case, “hey I’m wearing my camo today, wanna go kill deer?”
    Stalking: Leaving a v-mail that starts out, "Why aren't you wearing the purple scarf I knitted for you today..." Especially if you live in another town.

    Pursuit: Driving by her house to see when she lives (fine line on this one, but if curious I don't see the harm in doing it ONCE). Be prepared to get caught.
    Stalking: Parking out front with surveillance equipment, peeking in windows, following him etc.

    Pursuit: "Accidentally" bumping into her in public once or twice.
    Stalking: Changing your routine to match hers, even if it means getting coffee at his Starbucks that is 15 minutes in the wrong direction.

    My point? Show your interest in moderation, but ifs she A. makes it clear she is NOT interested, B. doesn't respond to your hints or C. calls the police, its time to throw in the towel.

    Buddy, you're on letter B... don't push me to letter C!

  4. MB's sarcastic mean friend :) Take 24/09/2009 1:39 PM

    You seemed nice, normal, and fun. Who would have known that you would turn so clingy and possessive after a couple genuinely nice “hellos.” So utterly unattractive is your behavior. Your desperation scares me. Your neediness repels me.

    I don't like your slobbering over me. I don't like the way you call over and over leaving voice mails that I'll never return. We never even dated. Dating you would be signing a consent form for stalking.

    I wish you would just leave me alone.

  5. Dear Tom,

    Your chances are better there.


  6. Dear Tom,

    Even though you're nice,
    please don't make me say this twice:

    Leave me the hell alone.


  7. Dear Tom,

    While I hope you have continued interest in the museum, I need to ask that you do not contact me in the future. Here are several of the ways you may otherwise seek information here at XYZ: (list those)

    Good luck with your future endeavors.


    *So not cute or funny...but you need to send this guy on his merry way.*

  8. Can I have a day to work on this?

  9. I have two and I will let you decide which is more appropriate.

    Dear Tom,

    While you do have a million dollar grin and you are truly one in a million, I prefer guys who arent in the "needs viagra" category.



    Dear Tom,

    While your interest in me is flattering, I am writing to tell you I am currently off the market. I am asking you to please no longer contact me at work or come by my office.

    I appreciate your gentlemanly ways and I know you will make someone out there very happy.


  10. Tom,

    /Hand him a restraining order./ LAWYERED.


  11. Dear Tom,
    Leave me alone or I will call my Mama and SHE will stalk YOU!!!
    He will run....
    Yo' Mama

  12. My letter isn't PG-13. It is only two words.


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