Friday, July 18, 2008


I had the WEIRDEST night last night. Let me tell you all about it!

I left work at 4:45. I was very excited because last night was the Idina Menzel concert I have been looking forward to for a few weeks. So I got home, got the mail and was walking up the stairs when I felt two daggers into my right foot. I look down. Wasps. All. Around. Feet. I screamed, accidentally dropped some mail and ran up the rest of the stairs into my apartment.

I didn't know what to do besides scream and curse. I grabbed ice cubes and put those on the stings. It didn't help. I opened my cabinet. No meat tenderizer. I sat down on the floor to inspect the wounds when it hit me: painkiller, ASAP. So I took two ibuprofen.

I hobble to phone and text my Mom. She writes back that I should use tobacco. I write back and remind her that I don't smoke. But I do drink. So I hobbled to the fridge and poured myself some Chardonnay.

I sat back down again, elevated my foot and start thinking. I knew I should have called someone to come kill those wasps. They have three nests in our stairs, including one right above our door. I also knew I should have knocked them down this winter, like I told myself everyday I was going to do. This is how they repay me for not destroying their home? Asses.

My houseguest found me deep in my thoughts when she got home. She offered me some Benadryl itch reliever cream, which seemed like the best idea so far. So I put a healthy amount on each wound.

As I am hobbling to my room I pass my shoes, which I had flung off in the kitchen. These are a pair of my favorite shoes, and I realize that in my haste to get up the stairs, the strap on them broke. AGAIN. I just got them back from the cobbler on Friday to repair the straps, and the wasps made me break them again?

I got to my room and took a closer look at my foot. I think the wasps were having pouncing practice, like in the Lion King, because one sting/affected area had swelled significantly larger and faster than the other. "Okay, son... here she comes... ready, aim, STING!" "Is this how you do it Dad?" [Baby wasp barely penetrates my foot] "No son, like this!" [Father wasp line drives my ankle, digging torso-deep into my flesh]

I keep my foot elevated and get ready for the show. By the time my date arrives, it's official - I have overdosed. I was pretty loopy. And I have to walk down the stairs. Past the very wasps that attacked me. It may have been the bravest thing I've done all month.

We made it through dinner and went to the show - which was fabulous and deserves a post not overshadowed by insect revenge, so I'll write about it later.

I get home and am at this very computer when I hear some papers rustling behind me. That's weird. There's no breeze in this room. What could be rustling my papers?

I turn around and see what could pass for a jumbo shrimp crawling across my floor. Roach. In. Bedroom.

I scream and throw a shoe at it, all the while thinking WHAT THE HELL. First the wasps, now the roach.... and this is the first one I've ever seen in this condo. They were practically our landlords in my last condo and you don't know how proud it's made me to have not found one in my house so far. Roach free is the way to be. This one wasn't even scurrying. It was moseying. It was taunting me, teasing me with its size and presence.

Finally I throw enough shoes to render the roach unconscious long enough to get it down my toilet. Honest to blog, this was the biggest roach I'd ever seen. It looked like a seahorse. With legs. Or a turtle. Or a ferret.

So then for 30 minutes almost, I just sat there, sort of scared to get out of my chair and go to bed. What's next? A snake in my toilet? A squirrel in my shower? A bat in my kitchen? I mean really.


  1. killer birds will probably be next...what a horrible night!!!

  2. Watch what you joke about. One of my coworkers is in the process of finding a new apartment because of BATS! Yikes!

  3. you are the third person I know I get stung on the foot THIS WEEK! what is going on?!

    and don't even get me started on the roaches. I had to flick one off the side of my car yesterday in broad daylight!!

  4. I used to have a MAJOR roach problem in my old apartment. They were everywhere. I slept in a chair for 3 nights because I found one in my bed. GROSS. Don't worry, you will get used to it. ha

    I hope your wasp stings doesn't effect your tapping!


  6. Snakes in your washer?

  7. How are you going to tap with a swollen foot?

    PS. Why is Idina touring? I just saw a sign today saying that she's going to be out here some time in August.


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