Monday, March 10, 2008


Last week, Kanye West's tour rider leaked onto, who was interested in it because a game of Connect 4 is required at each venue. Odd but funny.

Since I am a) curious about celebrities b) GOING TO SEE KANYE IN MAY!!!!!!!!!!!, I decided to waste ten minutes of my time reading his tour rider.

I was skimming the meal requirements when I noticed this:TWO DESERTS with each meal? Wow. I'd go for the Sahara and the Gobi, but that's just me. I'm sure Kanye has a very acquired taste for deserts, so I bet what he picks out is just fine.

So after I laughed at that gross typo (and all the others - seriously, Kanye, your management needs a proofreader and guess who is available?) , I started thinking about how nice it must be to have an advance team that just caters to whatever you need wherever you go. I should come with a rider. Wouldn't that be awesome? I guess kind of had one for Junior Miss. When you go to state, included in all the forms you have to complete is one about your preferences: if you shower in the a.m. or p.m., if you are allergic to any foods, your favorite candy, etc. It's nice to work these things out ahead of time when you move in with a new family for nine days. Of course I went all out on mine. My host mom laughed with me about it later. I practically wrote a book under the favorite foods part. But it paid off, because my first night there, she asked if I'd like some Moose Tracks or Goldfish before bed.

But that was then, this is now. Here's what my Tour Rider would include now, no holds barred, in no order:

12 bottles Dasani Water
1 can Powdered Gatorade (lemon lime flavor)
1 platter Chick Fil A chicken nuggets
2 bags sea salt pita chips
1 tub Athenos Hummus (original)
1 bag Tostidos corn chips
1 crock pot of cheese dip (rotel + velveeta, should be prepared upon arrival)
large fruit tray (strawberries, red grapes, pineapple, cantaloupe, green apple wedges)
large veggie tray (carrots, broccoli, ranch dip)
1 block Cracker Barrell sharp cheddar cheese
1 bottle Chardonnay (should be chilled upon arrival)
1 bottle Chianti
wine opener
1 pint Chocolate Moose Tracks ice cream
1 box Girl Scout Thin Mints
1 Great American Cooke Cake (chocolate + white icing)
fresh plain whole almonds
1 box Kellogg's Corn Flakes
1 small bottle CoffeeMate French Vanilla creamer
1 tube Rembrandt IntenseStain Toothpaste
1 500-piece Jigsaw Puzzle (of anything but animals)

I think the point is not that you and your entourage consume everything, but have everything you may want to consume an arm's reach away. Although my entourage would have to fight me for some of those items. And these are just the dressing room items. Obviously the venue would have a chef prepare the real meals, complete with "deserts."

And it goes without saying (actually, it goes on another page) that a TV with DVD player is in the dressing room. Gotta be able to watch Friends!


  1. A Great American Cooke Cake? What the hell is that? Seriously, who forgets a letter in a word? Let me know when I can come drink wine and install your fan; not necessarily in that order.

  2. Shut up or I won't share any with you when we are all partying it up backstage one day.

    Ceiling fan + wine is on my radar, trust me. We need to talk about a good weekend.


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