Monday, January 21, 2008


I was perusing when I came across this image of Miss Lohan, a.k.a. one of my least favorite celebrities (she's ruining the name Lindsay, but that's another blog post in itself).

Look at those awful self-tanner lines!!!!! This is one of my biggest pet peeves. And like I wrote on the photo, don't even get me started on the hair.

Self-tanner is a bad bad invention. Next to the phrase "slippery slope" in the dictionary, they should include the definition of self-tanner. I know it's bad and dangerous to tan the old-fashioned way, but if self-tanning is the only safe solution we can find, then I really think we should all just have to be pale instead of walking around looking like a bunch of splotchy calico cats.

Or, those who elect to self-tan should have to get a license, and your tanning lotion is confiscated and all rights removed after you screw your lines up three times or the first time you overdose.... which brings me to my next victim.

My mom is addicted to that Jergens Natural Glow lotion, which is kind of ironic, because there is nothing natural about how it makes her look. In fact, when my sister got married a year ago, my mom had overdosed on Jergens, and then went and got Mystic sprayed on top of that, and I swear she looked like a Cheez Doodle:

Oompa, Loompa, Loompady, Doo...

One of these things is not like the others....

Me informing Mom that she just missed the tryouts to be Syracuse's Otto the Orangeman.

She looked like Ross in the Friends episode where he gets eight 2's in the tanning booth and ends up being a 16. Am I wrong? I had to print half of my photos from the weekend in black and white because she looked so discolored compared to the rest of us.

That weekend was the orangest she's ever been, and yes I blame the Mystic Tan, but don't get me wrong, she's orange year-round. When I was home for Christmas, she asked me to help change her sheets and when she stripped the bottom sheet, I about vomited. Her mattress pad is stained orange from slathering self-tanner on her legs every night before she goes to bed. I went and grabbed my camera to document this filth and she jumped on the bed to trying to cover it. I was too fast for her though.

ANYWAY, she even asked me to put the lotion on her legs when I was home after her surgery but I wouldn't have anything to do with it. I told her she could shoot up lather up on her own time.

Anyway. I meant to make fun of Lohan, not my mom, but oh well. The bottom line, to quote Bobby Boucher's Mama: self-tanner is the DEVIL!


  1. I am obessed with spray tanning it is the only thing that has kept me out of the tanning bed the past few years. however I am very self conscience and always ask people to tell me if i ever look orange. I expect none the less from you Lindsay. I do it often so make sure to let me know. thanks
    and..I really am thinking about doing the mercedes run tons of kids from my school do it and I thought about it but never went through with it. what is the relay option?

  2. That's disgusting. You should buy her orange sheets.


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