Monday, October 15, 2007


So, I'm outside of Knoxville in Spike the Bigass Van round about 10, 10:30 on Thursday morning. I was three hours into my drive and I'd gotten pretty comfortable behind the wheel of Spike the Bigass Van. I'd found that there's a governor on the engine so I'm crusing at my maximum speed of 75 mph. I also found that the van cab has great acoustics for belting out some songs while listening to my iPod (earphones and all [save the lecture]).

And I was about to find the most important feature of them all: that you can see a lot from the higher vantage point.

I'm singing some Carrie while gazing around at the picturesque setting when my eyes land on the BMW SUV to my left. Georgia tags.

As I pass him, I do what all truckers do: turn to look at the driver. That's when I notice.

With the same nonchalantness it takes to scratch your arm or twirl your hair, this man is touching himself.


I mean, his pants are zipped but it's obvious that he really likes his BMW.

Finding this horrifying and yet hysterical, I try to speed up but the governor won't have it. You'd think this man would have noticed the looming bigass van beside him, but clearly his attention was elsewhere. Fearing my innocence, I slow down to escape him and switch lanes.

Five minutes later, I'm looking in my right side mirror when I see Mr. BMW cruising toward me in the lane to my right. At this point, I have a decision. Should I mind my own business, or do everyone else around us a favor and catch him? It would would embarrass him a lot more than me, that's for sure. And besides, stories like this is what blogs were made for.

You know EXACTLY what I chose to do.

So he coasts beside me. Luckily, I can't see anything but his face and his leg which is propped up on the left of the steering wheel. The combo is enough to tell me that he's not really paying attention to the road.

By now, I am laughing so hard that I'm cackling like a witch. Should I honk the horn? Does he know his windows aren't tinted? Has he realized he's on the outskirts of a major city and there are plenty of other cars on the road (There were like 6 or 7 vehicles besides his and my van on the road around us)?

After a minute of driving alongside me, Pervy McCreepy looks up and meets my eyes. Talk about deer in the headlights. That's right, sir; I'm not a crusty trucker. I'm a bored but employed mid-twenty something who is finds you highly offensive but surprisingly entertaining and YOU JUST GOT BUSTED.

As soon as our eyes lock I immediately turn to look straight ahead again and clap my hand over my mouth laughing.

A few seconds of howling laughter later, I look back over at the creep. He is beet red (I can tell that because - again - HIS WINDOWS WERE NOT TINTED). He gives a sheepish grin, WAVES (don't you think you've taken your hands off the road long enough?) and speeds off.

And that, my friends, is the first story I have from the state fair. You are welcome.


  1. man. i almost beat it to posting the first one, but i was too slow. this is baffling. anyways, what's amazing to me is that he was embarrassed, but not too embarassed to wave at you afterwards? wow. shameless.

  2. holy cow. no words. only a new-found fear of the interstate and BMWs.

  3. lilley almost beat it to posting the first one? does she drive a BMW too?

  4. Wes, ewwwww. She meant beat her computer to auto-posting "this is amazing. hahaha." like it does everytime she triest to comment.

  5. my computer is possessed by demons who force it to post "this is amazing. hahaha" every time.

    wes is inappropriate. his life has the trappings of a grown-up life, and yet...

  6. this is amazing. hahaha.

  7. I refuse to make more mature comments just because I'm married and have a job. I figured that a bunch of mid-twenty somethings could handle a comment about self-gratification when the whole post was about that. I knew what she meant, but reading her post after reading the blog drew my mind into the gutter. I thought maybe she just got really excited about being the first.

  8. I too cannot believe that he waved at you creepy! I probably would have flipped him off. Well, I suppose that could be taken the wrong way. And you were driving a van (aka love machine, or Spike, as you dubbed it, I just like calling big vans love machines). He may have mistook that as inviting him in for some action or something...

    I'm hoping this man wasn't headed somewhere where he would shake hands with anyone. Lots of 'business'(hand shaking) people drive BMWs. Ewww.


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