Wednesday, September 19, 2007


I could write the longest post about the awkward waiter(s) Mary Byrne and I had at Carrabba's last night. But I'm afraid most of it falls under the "I guess you had to be there" brand of comedy. (But if you want to see for yourself, e-mail me and I'll tell you this awkward waiter's name and you can ask for him when you go to Carrabba's in Green Hills.)

Therefore, I'll spare you most of the mind-numbing details that made the dinner completely unforgettable. But the Most Annoying Waiter Ever did say one horrifying line which should make you all should recoil in disgust (just like I did).

We were his only table, so he wouldn't leave us alone. Two waiters were fighting over us but he won because he'd had only had one table all night (now I know why). He told us all about the six kids and one mom he had just served, and that segued into a monologue about what a great role model he is to his 10-year-old brother and 4 other siblings.

I cannot emphasize enough how talkative - unwarrantedly talkative - this guy is. He was barely stopping for breath.

He finally leaves and we get back to our salads. Our chicken comes. We're extolling its praises when he comes back to the table and starts in on how great this particular chicken dish is. Dude, we know; why do you think we came here? Just as I was thinking he could not get any more bothersome, he turned this corner:

"Chicken Bryan is like my favorite thing here. That was the first thing I got when I started working here because it's like, cheese is my favorite thing ever. Seriously I could eat it forever. I'm kind of a connoisseur. But you know what else, it sucks because I'm LACTOSE INTOLERANT. So my blessing is my curse, I guess you could say. But I still eat it. I love cheese."

In case you missed that - HE TOLD US HE IS LACTOSE INTOLERANT. WHILE WE ARE EATING. I almost choked. Since when did this become a) acceptable small talk b) at dinner c) from your WAITER?!?!?!?!??! I wanted to tell him to shut the eff up and go get me more bread.

Miracle of miracles, he finally left. MB and I die laughing. It occurs to us that we could be on Candid Camera. We start looking around for a film crew. I checked for a microphone in the bush behind me.

He came back and I swear he talked to us for at least another full ten minutes. I mean, he was vigilante about it. Guerilla, even. A talker on a mission. MB finally got him to leave by finishing her chicken so he would have a plate to clear.

Eventually he brought the check and we paid and got the heck out of there. I wanted to draw an arrow from the word Tip to the bottom of the receipt and write "DON'T TELL YOUR CUSTOMERS THAT YOU ARE LACTOSE INTOLERANT!!" but MB wouldn't let me.

Later I realized what he was doing because I'd seen Ross do it on Friends before. I think - I THINK - he was trying to hit on us. He wanted to make sure we knew he was single, sensitive and family oriented (information about his family), had a good palate (connoisseur of cheese), could overcome his problems (LACTOSE INTOLERANT) and was a little wild and crazy at the same time (another story he told us). MB agreed that must've be his plan. Because we checked - there were no cameras around, and there couldn't be any other explanation for his merciless, unwarranted incessant, one-sided conversation.


  1. So Tom A works at Carraba's now? Funny.

  2. Cute new header board by the way.

  3. This story still makes me laugh...


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