Monday, July 30, 2007


Back to school, back to school.

I am spending a week at a work conference. The conference is being held on a college campus. So guess who packed her hot pink, lime and yellow Company Store twin-size bedding in her North Face backpack (which still has her CWE tag on it) and has been in class all day?

I know Auburn is a great school, but nothing has ever reminded me of that faster than this morning's shower in a community bathroom. 4 women to one bathroom sure beats 4 stalls to a whole floor.

PS - Seriously. Auburn is the best school ever. Stay tuned for more reasons why... as if you need more, but whatever.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


Oh my gosh y'all - I have the best story.

This is the story of how I almost got expelled from high school. Yes, me, the innocent one, came so close to getting suspended - if not expelled - from my high school.

Remember that cheerleading sponsor I told you about? Slamb? This is another story involving her. (Note: This would be a million times funnier if I had photographic evidence to support the story, but I've looked and looked for a few months and can't find anything and this story is too good to keep to myself. If I ever find evidence, I'll be sure to post it.)

So, each year during basketball season, the boys team, girls team and cheerleaders would load up on a bus and head to Mobile for the weekend. We'd play UMS on one night and St. Paul's on the other. Our school would spring to put us up at the lovely Red Roof Inn, and while the teams were practicing on Saturday, the cheerleading squad got dropped off at the "mall."

Of all the malls in Mobile, we get dumped at the one with like 10 stores and a snack stand in the middle. We were stranded there for about four hours, so we got a little bored.

After trying on tacky clothes and sampling every item at the makeup counter in Dillard's, someone found a random business card maker in the middle of the mall. Seizing the opportunity to be creative, a few of us made some business cards with fake names and funny jokes on them, and I don't remember who it was that finally got the bright idea: "Hey, let's make Slamb a business card."

Naturally, we selected the hooker icon - it was a tiny picture of a lady with long hair in a black dress and gogo boots bending over a chair. (What kind of hooker has business cards? That she prints in a mall?) We went to town thinking of funny stuff to write on the card, like "Seducer" and "1-800-BIG-HO4U" and all this other stuff that was so, so, SO wrong. Just awful. The machine printed out 4 cards for a dollar and after a good laugh, we moved on. I stuck my copy in my camera case.

Well we cheer at the game that night and ride home on the bus afterward. We get to the high school at like 3 a.m. so it's pitch black and we're all dead tired like zombies so we grab our stuff and go home.

Sunday I am unpacking and I notice my camera case is missing. Hoping I left it on the bus, I go straight to the basketball coach's office on Monday morning to ask if he found a camera case after everyone unloaded.

"Sure," he says. "One of the boys found it and gave it to Mrs. Lamb."

SHUT UP. Slamb had it!? Breaking a sweat, I beelined to her classroom only to find she was out sick for the day. Sick... or meeting with the principal?

I was on pins and needles the rest of the day. Even typing this now my stomach starts turning. If she'd opened the case, she'd find the card with the awful stuff about her and God only knows what would happen from there. I mean, this was a private Christian high school. If chewing gum in class was punishable, imagine what they'd do to kids who called their teachers a hooker and a ho?

Tuesday I nervously head to her room, only to find she was OUT SICK AGAIN. I feared my life. I was convinced she had found the card and was too full of rage and anger to come to work and was meeting with the superintendent and school board to have me and the rest of the squad expelled and sent to hell.

By Tuesday, the whole squad knew about the situation. We had to take matters into our own hands, so after school, several of us got out a school directory and huddled in the lockeroom while I called Slamb.

"Hello?" her daughter answered.

"Uhhhh may I speak to Mrs. Lamb?"

"Who's calling?"

"It's Lindsay."

"Just a second."


"Mrs. Lamb?"

"Hi Lindsay." She was cold as ice. My ear nearly froze to the phone.

"Ummm [gulp, twitch] how are you?"

"Not so good."

Oh my gosh. She found it. She hates me. I'm dead. Gulp. "Oh no, really?"

"Yes, I'm terribly sick."

"Oh that's too bad. Hey, Coach told me that he gave you the camera case that was left on the bus?"

"Yes, is it yours? I haven't open it to see who it belo--"

"NONONO IT'S MINE! IT'S MINE! Haha. No need to open it. Ummm may I come get it? Like, right now? Ummm, I REALLY want to get my pictures developed today."

She agreed and gave me directions to her house and one of the seniors drove me there. I was shaking like a leaf. We carefully pulled up to her house, which was overrun with weeds and evil. We go knock on the door, and as bad as we thought she looked at school, she looked even worse when she was " terribly sick." She had on no make-up and an old ratty bathrobe. I'd have left the case in the mailbox or something. Nonetheless, we grabbed the case from her, ran to the car to check its contents and sped back towards school, laughing all the way.

Everyone else promised to burn their business cards lest they fall into the wrong hands. Of course I kept mind and put it on my bulletin board. But guess what? It's not there anymore. I went to find it to include with this story... wonder who has it now? Oh well. It's not like they can expel me anymore!

Sunday, July 22, 2007


Observations I made while at home:

I am not cut out to be a nurse.
Anna, Carlee and Michael read my blog.
Fruit is the official get-well food.
I really like being a stay-at-home caretaker (great training for stay-at-home mom?)
I'm no good at drinking games. And I like it.
My 7-year-old cousin is an extraordinary, fascinating little girl.
Birmingham will be a good thing.

Thanks for prayers and thoughts. Mom is doing wonderfully. I was sad to leave her today but was ready, knowing she is way more independent than I thought she'd be at this stage at the game. If I told you all the stuff I'd had to help her do while in the hospital and during the early half of last week, you wouldn't believe me. But now, I would say she is 60% functional by herself. The other 40% will come when she is out of her brace and can bend and drive. So, the last I'll say about this valley we've crossed is that it's done, she's recovering marvelously and the entire surgery - from how she first got an appointment with her surgeon, to how I was able to be home to care for her, all the way to the surgery itself - was 100% divine. We are a fortunate family. I am a fortunate girl.

Saturday, July 21, 2007


Oh, Justin Timberlake. You never cease to amaze me.

"D*** In A Box" is up for an Emmy Award, for Original Music and Lyrics. I hope he wins. That'd be funnier than Three Six Mafia and Eminem winning Oscars.

Monday, July 16, 2007


Miracle of miracles - Mom was sent home today! Hooray! She has done incredibly well. I mean, she woke up in ICU yesterday, walked for the first time yesterday, walked again today and then again without a walker and up and down some stairs, and was sent home from the hospital at 4 this afternoon. We all couldn't be happier.

And by "we all" I mean me, knowing I don't have to sleep on the hospital floor/fold-out chair.

Sunday, July 15, 2007


Good news - she's moving from ICU today. This is exciting because now she can have more company and I can stay with her overnight (aka fewer trips to and from the hospital). She is eating again and sitting up and will probably try to walk for the first time tomorrow. That will be really tough so keep praying.

Friday, July 13, 2007


Thanks for your thoughts and prayers for my mom, family and I. I've been at the hospital as much as they'll allow us to be (she's in ICU so visiting hours are limited). The surgery was 4.5 hours long but took care of everything that needed fixing, aligning or repositioning. She is stable but hurting, and they haven't tried to make her walk yet because of possible damage to her spinal cord so they are keeping her flat. They might try to get her up tomorrow or Sunday. I'm not horribly squeamish, but thinking about my mommy in that much pain makes me want to choke.

She still hasn't eaten anything because she's nauseated, but that is starting to subside and the pain is starting to kick in. They had to try about 3 or 4 different pain medicines before they found one that didn't make her sick. It will be nice for all of us when she's not completely flat on her back and can read or look at something to pass the time. Until then, my sister, brother-in-law and I are using each visiting hour to try to keep her spirits up by chatting and telling her about our day and who has called to check on her. Hopefully, tonight she will begin getting on a better sleep schedule. She was snoring before we even left the room tonight.

Thanks again guys. Funny posts will resume shortly, I swear.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007


So, I rarely get truly personal on this blog. That's kind of the point. I allude to stuff that's personal, but most of the time I choose not to broadcast a lot of the circumstances that are going on around me (non-funny stuff, that is). If you know me well, then you hear about it from me. And if you don't know me well, then remind me why are you reading this?

Additionally, I joke about how no one ever comments. Okay, four people comment and it's because it make them. But I mean, I write. Why don't you?

But for once, I'm going to get personal, and it's okay if you all don't comment. Instead, I hope you pray.

So, someone stepped on a crack and has broken my mother's back. Starting tomorrow (Thursday), I'm taking sick leave from work and will be in Birmingham until the 22nd to give round-the-clock care for her as she begins recovery after what the surgeon described as his "least favorite surgery of them all." Comforting, right? The surgery is tomorrow.

In short, I am really scared. It's a serious surgery, one that will totally debilitate her for a while, and I am not sure I am emotionally ready for it. I'm having to be a daughter and a husband, it seems, and it's wearing me down. Add to all of that me suddenly being faced with a few personal and professional decisions to make, and I'm all over the place.

So, I'll have a lot of time while I'm playing nurse at mom's house to update blogs, but if I'm not funny then bear with me.

It's because I'm emotional and tired and trying to figure a few things out.

What a week it's been!

Monday, July 09, 2007


How To Be Nice:
Buy front row tickets to her favorite musical.
Take her out for drinks.
Make a return visit to the local aquarium just so she can see the penguins.
Take her to a baseball game.

How To Be Smooth:
Buy front row tickets to her favorite musical AND act amused while she tells you everything she knows about the play and sings the soundtrack at the top of her lungs the whole way there.
Take her out for drinks AND when she gets really excited and accidentally breaks a wineglass, patiently pick the broken glass dust from her arm so it doesn't cut her (even if she says she's fine).
Make a return visit to the local aquarium just so she can see the penguins AND congratulate her for being brave and petting a scary shark. Even if the scary shark was only one foot long.
Take her to a baseball game AND surprise her by having her name put on the scoreboard with the list of birthdays, anniversaries and other special guests at the game, but act really nonchalant about it even though you both know it was a big deal.
And then some!

Friday, July 06, 2007


I have touched on this topic before, but I feel the need to revisit it.

Vera Bradley.

For my birthday, I asked for and received one more accessory in my Vera "pattern" - the small cosmetic case. I asked for this because when packing, I often find myself haphazardly throwing my perfume, jewelry and other smaller items into my bag. I needed something to put said items in so that my luggage is more organized.

This all started a few months ago when I bought a hair straightener holder. It was my very first Vera purchase. I discovered that the Capri Melon pattern I selected coordinated beautifully with the luggage I already have. And since I have begun traveling with the frequency of an airline stewardess, I decided it wouldn't hurt to pick up a few -- and ONLY a few -- pieces in "my pattern."

As I have been on E-Bay narrowing down which other travel accessories to purchase, I am reminded why I always had such a bad taste for Vera. She draws no line. There are no boundaries to what Vera will make next. Vera Bradley needs to learn to say NO.

Specifically, here are the top 10 things that I could buy in "my pattern" but absolutely never ever will, because even having the options to purchase these items in "my pattern" makes me want to sell both the Vera items that I already own:

10. Jewelry/Accessories (including scarf, headband, earrings, flip flops, belt and more)
9. Pajama Pants
8. Sporting Accessories (Tennis Racquet Cover, Golf Gloves)
7. Cell Phone Pouch
6. File Folders/Notepads
5. Sun Hat
4. Hangers
3. Book Cover
2. Switch Plate
1. Man's Tie, Bow-tie, Cummerbund or Cufflinks (testicles sold separately)

Honorable mentions: Dog leash (could also be used on poor sap who was convinced to wear the tie); wedding garter (to be fair, this product is not officially sold by Vera but made by diehards with authentic Vera fabric).

As Vera continues to retire old pieces and incorporate new ones, I predict that by 2010, the following pieces will be on the market, in whatever pattern you please:
10. Underwear
9. Picture frame mats
8. Automobile Wheel Covers
7. License Plate Frames
6. Toolkits
5. Bed in a Bag
4. Sleeping bags
3. Toilet Seat Covers
2. Bridesmaid Dresses
1. Laundry Bags

Mark my words!

Wednesday, July 04, 2007


It has been more than a year since my last Target incident, so I guess this one was overdue.

Today, I celebrated Independence Day by being liberated and free, just as our country was 231 years ago. And by liberated and free, I mean liberated from work and free to do whatever I want. So after cleaning out my car, running an extra long time at the gym, I came home, ate lunch and decided I might as well do a few things on my To Do list.

So I grab a few things that need returning and head toward Target.

I enter the store and explain that I received a shirt and a necklace as birthday gifts, and would like to exchange them. Since I don't have a receipt, the Target Team Member explains to me that I can receive a gift card for the necklace since it was under $10, but I would have to find something from clothing to swap for the shirt, and it had to be of the same value or more, and I'd have to find it today. In other words, if I didn't leave the store with something from clothing before store's close today, the credit would go to waste. The shirt was worth about $15, so add that to the $10 necklace and I had $25 in credit that I had to spend today on clothes.

Well, naturally today is the first time all year that I go in Target and don't see anything I want. Seriously. The past 10 times I've been in there, I left with at least a dress or shirt or something. Their stuff is irresistible. Except today, when there is not a single piece of clothing I want besides a $10 pair of PJ pants, because that is the way things go.

Clutching the chosen PJ pants, I return to the customer service desk and explain that since I didn't find anything else I wanted, and would not be using all of my credit today, could I please have my $15 shirt back and I'd bring it back when I found something I wanted to buy from clothing?

Which is when things got ugly.

After some conversations over the walkie-talkie and searching the clothing department, my Target Team Member returns to confess that she cannot find my shirt. Someone had already restocked the merchandise I'd brought back and another customer had already bought my shirt.

Triumphant, I declare that their haste is not my fault and now they have to issue me a gift card.

I explained to you before you left this counter that you had to use the credit today, my Target Team Member debates.

But it is not my fault that you let my returned item go before even completing our transaction. Get a manager, I demand.

Manager is obviously smoking the same crack as my Target Team Member. Will not give me credit or cash.

I contemplate robbing the store of the $15 I am due, but decide I don't want to spend the night in jail. Instead, I ask if I can just use the credit on something today but then bring it back again when I find something that I do want from clothing. Sure, they say, as long as I have a receipt. I march to the rack closest to the Customer Service desk and grab a skirt half my size but priced the almost the same ($5 more) as my shirt that Target too-hastily resold. Now I have $20 in merchandise that I don't want but will try to return.

I grab the ugly, tiny skirt and my PJ pants and flee the store. I drive to the better Target store across town, all the while chastising myself for not going there to begin with.

I walk in and explain my predicament. As I'm talking, the lady at the Customer Service desk (Pattie) sees my ADPi shirt and tells me she too was an ADPi. I am convinced that now I will get what I want.

Too bad the cash register wasn't an ADPi. Because it will not cooperate. Anytime my receipt is scanned, it beeps loudly and reads "Refund denied; return merchandise to customer."

Pattie calls over another manager. They both explain to me that the other store screwed up and should have done my return differently. Because of their mistake, I am in a "return loop," or as I've come to call it, Target Puragtory. And now I can only return Evil Tiny Skirt at the Evil Target Store. They tell me I should go back to Evil Target and ask to speak to the "LOD" (Leader On Duty; Side Thought: if Target's return policy was as clever as its vernacular, we might not be in this pickle). They say that if I speak the lingo and appear to know what I'm talking about, I'll probably get better help.

Not wanting to return to the Evil Target, I ask my new friends on the Target Team if they will either ride with me to Evil Target or at least call and get the LOD to do whatever they are telling me over the phone. As I am about to cry at the thought of returning to Evil Target, my friends see their own LOD walking by and call him over. Mr. LOD is a little less helpful than my friends, but significantly more helpful than the Evil Target's Team Members. My friends explain the situation to Mr. LOD. The three of them agree that there is nothing they can do at this store. Mr. LOD decides he does not want to call the Evil Target and fuss at them.

Looking as tired of hearing about this problem as I am of explaining it, Mr. LOD finally looks at me and says "What do you want us to do?" I plead for a phone call to Evil Target, cash, credit for use beyond the day's close - ANYTHING besides keeping me in Target Purgatory and making me leave with this too-small ugly skirt.

Then Mr. LOD said the words I'd been dying to hear for 2 hours - "Just go get something and we'll fix it. Anything. Go pick out anything that is the same value as this skirt. I'll use my license to override it and we'll be fine."


I SKIP - yes, skip - from the desk, weave through clothing, see nothing that fancies me, and bounce over to electronics. With the same thought and intensity as if I were choosing my last meal, I decide which three $7.50 DVDs to purchase.

I finally narrow it down to Animal House, Dirty Dancing and Ocean's Eleven. I skip back to the Customer Service Desk where my transaction rings up cleanly, Pattie and I discuss Auburn and ADPi, and I am wished a good rest of my 4th of July.

The moral of the story is four-fold:
1. They print gift receipts for a reason;
2. Target on White Bridge Road sucks;
3. T
arget's return policy makes absolutely no sense. Pure, utter nonsense (See my other Target story for further proof of this);
4. If you drive to enough Targets, and ask to speak to enough managers, you will eventually get what you want - or 3 DVDs worth the same amount as whatever it is you DON'T want.

Monday, July 02, 2007


Insert your own caption:

In my defense, those other girls are not even pretending to try for it. Someone had to. Plus, the groom started chanting for me to catch it. It was his wedding; I didn't want to let him down!

Sunday, July 01, 2007


Over the weekend, I was paid three very big compliments:

1. After my speech at Wes and Jen's rehearsal dinner, Jen's uncle told me I reminded him of Kathy Griffin. HA! She's funny, she's famous - I'll take it!

2. Star informed me that when she gets married, she wants me to come sing at the Courthouse! Being informally asked to sing at Star's future civil ceremony is the ultimate honor.

3. I was told I look good in brown, which is great to know since I wore 3 different brown dresses over the weekend. Score.

What a fun weekend! On Thursday night, I got a mini birthday party, complete with a cookie cake! Then on Friday I went to Auburn for another great wedding, where I got to see a lot of my favorite people while in one of my favorite places, and of course I caught the bouquet. Fourth time's a charm, right?

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