UNFORGETTABLE

So good. This was the only time I've cried at a TV show that's not FRIENDS. Thanks NBC.

UNINTERESTED

Sorry there was no real Idol post this week. I know some of you (Wes) are disappointed but I don't think what is happening on that show is funny anymore. Sanjaya is too easy to make fun of and how many times can you say a person sucks and it continue to be funny? Mohawks? Too easy. He has no business on the show, Haley has no business still on the show, all the fun people are getting booted and I'm cross. They are making a mockery not of the show, but of the contest. Plenty of talented people got sent home while these clowns mohawk their way to fame. And none of them are giving performances so good I want to cry, so I'm just really uninspired with Idol. Maybe Chris S going home will light a fire under some of the contestants. Additionally, the pictures are not getting posted until after the results show. And those are the funniest part! But Eric can vouch for me that I did predict Chris would go home. Vouch, Eric, vouch!

"Dear God, Please don't let me go home before Sanjaya..."

Birdsnest
"How is he still here?"

"If one more person votes for Sanjaya, I'm quitting."

Besides, I have had a lot on my mind besides Idol. A lot of doubt and questions. Maybe I'll write about it later... maybe I won't.

Speaking of questions, have you ever been asked, or heard someone be asked, if you could have a dinner party with 5 other people, dead or alive, who would you invite? I have. Maybe I did too many interviews.

Nonetheless, I have compiled my guest list.

In no particular order, I would host a dinner party for Jennifer Aniston, Johnny Cash, George W. Bush, Justin Timberlake and John Belushi. If one of them was busy, I'd invite Idina Menzel. If she couldn't come, I'd invite Martina McBride.

I would have lots to talk about with George, Johnny and Belushi. I've read six books about George, five about Cash and on my third about Belushi.

I would ask George to say the blessing and make him say "Amer-ka" a few times. Then after dinner, Jennifer and I would act out some Friends scenes, and Johnny would sing for us while Justin and I had a dance party! Then before we'd know it, Belushi would be jumping through walls and knocking stuff over. He's so crazy.

STUCK

Reasons I Want A New Office:

1. The luxury of a door.

2. The luxury of a ceiling.

3. Currently, I am the closest office to three different conference rooms. This means I am a secretary. People come to me for pens, tape, office extension numbers, chairs and more. And if I'm not there, all the better for them. Last week alone, two pencils and three pens disappeared while I was out of the office for two days. I didn't even got to say goodbye! I would put my pens in my drawer, but that is inconvenient for me, and why should I inconvenience myself in my own office? Maybe I will lock them up when I leave for extended periods of time, but I'm not sure that a desperate person wouldn't pilfer through my drawers until they found what they were looking for. I bought my pens myself. I hate cheap pens so I bought some myself when I started working here. They belong to me! Stop stealing!

4. My office is across from one of the busiest ladies in the place. If she's not in her office, people always ask me if I know where she is. Why would I know where she is? Oh right, cause I'm a secretary. I am going to start lying and make stuff up, like she got the squirts and had to book it to the bathroom or that she's been waiting upstairs for you for over an hour. Any other suggestions?

5. Overhead fluorescent lighting. It's like the dorm all over again. And not good for my eyes.

6. One of the occupants of a ceilingless office caddy-corner from mine does not know how to put his phone on vibrate. I don't think he is hearing impaired, but if I'm wrong, I'm going to need to see a doctor's excuse in order for him to leave his phone on like that. Since like, the mid-1990's, phones have come with a silent feature. Use it. This is especially irritating when he disappears into a meeting for hours at a time and his phone just chirps away. It has a reminder feature, where it beeps every five minutes just in case you miss a call because you were away from your desk or your phone was I don't know on SILENT or something.

7. I am by the kitchen so I smell all the nice food people heat up for lunch, like homemade lasagna or some fancy soup or chicken dish. I get envious because I know all I have to look forward to is a tasteless, unadventurous Lean Cuisine.

8. My current space does not have straight walls. I mean, they are straight but they don't form a square. I work out of a trapezoid. A lot of our building is like this. It's cool for hallways and conference rooms, but I prefer right angles in an office. We have large, accommodating desks that have a hutch on them and mine does not sit flush against the wall and it drives me crazy.

9. There are six open offices, with real ceilings, real doors and four right angles in the area in which I really belong. When I started, there were none. Now there are six. Do I hear five?!

10. Currently, I am too far from whom I want to be near and too near whom I want to be far.

I think I'll just start moving my stuff and see if anyone notices.

P.S. - I really do like my job. Honest. I just don't like my office.

IMPARTIAL

Heading out of town again so not much time for a recap today. I will tell you this much - I didn't know Olivia Newton John changed her name to Lulu! Cute!

I was glad we got Haley out of the way. What was she thinking? I mean, honestly. I need to remember to go by the ATM before I watch this show so I will have dollar bills to fling at my TV when she shimmies and shakes her way past another elimination round. Make it rain, Haley; you work hard for that money, girl.

"Working for tips here, y'all!"

Chris R did a good job on his song though I prefer him upbeat and Timberlakesque. I was glad the judges tossed him some praise. Stephanie did well. I don't think she's "losing her edge" and "not having fun" like the judges said, but I do feel that she will never overcome the JorKishda (Jordin + LaKisha + Melinda) trifecta and the lockdown everyone is prediciting.

Blake did a great job. I was really worried he would remix his way out of my favorites but he didn't get too out of control this week. I am worried he is getting too cocky for his own good, though.

I was glad LaKisha did not change her song. I don't think the mentor is supposed to tell the contestants what song to sing, but rather to advise them on the songs they do pick. That was weird to me. I am glad LaKisha stuck with her original choice. Someone would have cried wolf.

I liked Phil's song but I kept thinking how much better Chris S would have sang it. I really like Phil, but he is in the same boat as Stephanie and falling short of the bar that these front runners are raising each week.

Jordin was amazing. I was a little skeptical of Simon's praise last week, about how she has made it a three-way competition between the women, but after tonight's song, I'm sold.

And where do I even START with Sanjaya? First of all, the MJ gloves. Sanjaya talks and dresses like he just stepped off of Neverland Ranch - remember the fedora? And then here they come with the crying girl. It's getting to be no fun making fun of him anymore because Idol is making it too easy. "Uhh let's perm your hair; it'll look great!" "Umm here's a weeping fan! Cry harder, honey." "That's good, Sanjaya, jump around like that some more. Throw your fist in the air. Yes!" I was laughing OUT LOUD when the cameras kept cutting back to the weeping girl. It was so funny how she was sobbing because those didn't look like happy tears. She looked genuinely, positiviely terrified that his greasy mop of hair was going to fly off of his head, attach itself to her throat and eat her while his eyebrows hold her down! We feel your pain, Ashley. Someone make it stop! For the sake of the children!

Killing her softly with his song...

Gina Gina Gina. Blah. I'm tired of her. She did not sing her song well. She was screamy. Maybe she, too, was scared of being eaten by Sanjaya's hair. And I wasn't doubled over with Chris S's performance. I totally understood what Paula was saying about being more interactive with the audience. I'm sure he had a lot to concentrate on, but people were sticking their hands out for high fives and he was brushing by them like a runaway horse through the forest. Show some love, Chris! It was just awkward.

Last but not least, Melinda. Suspicious that she's gotten the last spot now three times? Perhaps. I thought it was skirting the theme a little to do a showtune, but whatever. It worked. And my roommate made a really good point last night (go Christy!) - Melinda is a professional singer. Albeit, she's a backup singer, but that is her profession. It's how she makes a living. Should she have been allowed to audition? Who knows. Don't get me wrong; I'm a fan. I'm just saying.

I did not predict well last week, I was 1/3 for the bottom three and am now 8/13 on who is leaving the show. Not that it matters, but my instinct was that Brandon was going home (I even wrote it!) but I changed it because I liked him more than Haley. Impartiality is the key. Therefore, I am going to impartially predict that tonight Phil is going home. Waaah!!! I like Phil. But too bad that's not the way the cookie crumbles. I think that once again, Kumbaya will be in the bottom 2 and Haley will round out the bottom 3.

CLEVER

Nothing like some nice dry humor to make you smile:



"Do you prefer film or digital?"
"Ummm, mostly cameras."

"Are you more of a White Lightning guy or ProPhoto?"
"Mostly Budweiser."

"Have you ever worked with 7B's or accute 2R's?"
"I've worked with accute model all my life, its hard to stay away from 'em."

ECSTATIC

So, turns out I do get a spring break this year, kids! Only it's in May! And it's free... kind of.

Yes, that's right, this little working girl is packing her bags and heading to an all-expenses-paid conference in sunny, beautiful, celebrity-ridden L.A. I think I might wet my pants.

See, the brilliant minds behind this conference planned it to start on a Sunday, so guess who is taking off work the Friday before and flying out early?! ME! I cannot wait. And guess who is the soul kind enough host me pre-conference? ERIC!

We have already started planning: Universal Studios. Warner Brothers tour. Downtown Hollywood. Leno. Find the stars' homes. Shop at H&M. Find the Father of the Bride house. Find the OC filming locations. And find ALL the celebrities!

And the super swanky hotel that I am staying in during the conference just happens to be a bonafide moviestar itself, having been used in hit films like Wedding Crashers, Ocean's Eleven, Cruel Intentions, Austin Powers, Rumor Has It, Splash, Nutty Professor, and much much more!

How I will be able to get any work done between now and then is beyond me. Start storing up your sleep, Eric, because when I get there - there won't be time to sleep! HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD! HERE I COME!

**UPDATE: Eric told me tonight that he has purchased tickets for us to see WICKED! I have not stopped screaming since he told me. L.A. is my Emerald City. This is amazing. What a perfect trip this is turning out to be!!!!! THANK YOU ERIC!

"Now at last, there's joy throughout the land, and goodness knows, we know what goodness is."


I mean, what's next? Courteney and Jennifer want to take me to dinner?

AWED

Best Concert I've Ever Been To. The End.

ANNOYED

I don't have much time for an Idol recap this week because I am heading out of town again! Additionally, the performances were all middle-of-the-road. Diana Ross Week did not give the contestants many Wow songs to choose from. I even fell asleep at one poin! Blah.

The best thing I heard last night wasn't even a song. It was Simon telling Shecrest to come out of the closet. HA!

In a nutshell, I think that the highlights were Phil, Chris R, Lakisha and Melinda, who had her "moment" tonight. While I was not crying beyond the point of rationalization like Paula (but when is she NOT beyond the point of rationalization?), I did have a tear in my eye when Melinda finished. I appreciated her appreciation and awe of the moment.

The hairstylists need to put their foot down with Sanjaya (or, according to a lady in my office, Kumbaya - like the song). Just say NO! to whatever he asks them to do! You know, if he spent as much time contemplating his performance as he spends picking a hairstyle, we might have something to work with. But no. And he is really starting to remind me of Paula, with the hair, the smile, the giggles, etc.

Haley takes annoying to a whole new level now. Forget her inability to sing. Forget her inability to remember lyrics. It's her overthetop dramatics that seal the deal for me. She sucks. But the more people that vote for her, the less people that vote for Kumbaya!

All in all, not the best week. I'm 8/12 on my predictions, and am hoping to make it 9/13. Bottom three: Stephanie, Haley and Brandon, with Haley FINALLY getting the boot.

Lastly, I finally figured out who Blake reminds me of. His confidence, quirkiness and undeniable charm resemble none other than Travis of So You Think You Can Dance. See what I mean? Maybe it's the mohawk, but the resemblence is definitely there:

TAXED, part 2

Update on the tax situation (I know you're all dying to know):

6 p.m., Thursday - Was told by H&R Block's tax program that I only owe $3, but it will cost me $9.95 to file. Hmm....

1 p.m., Friday - Faxed my paperwork to Star's mom, whom Star volunteered to do my taxes for me. Thanks Star and Star's accountant mom!

UNENTHUSIASTIC

What a boring week on Idol. Aside from some stupid banter between the judges and some pillow-fights from Shecrest, both nights were pretty lackluster to me. Of course, your early standouts played the part, but even their performances still weren't their absolute best.

Except there was one new development. This week, for the first time ever, Paula actually JUDGED! It was unreal. She was making sense! Both nights she actually used coherent sentences to provide more guidance for the contestants than "You're a star" and "This competition wouldn't be the same without you" and the classic "You look great!" I mean, she was offering them SOUND ADVICE. It was crazy.

But not everyone needed advice. Blake started the show for the boys, and pulled a rabbit out of his hat with a 311 song. I prefer something with a little more singing in it, but whatever. He sold it. Later, Chris R gave a nice cover of a slow Keith Urban song. After both Blake and Chris had given their performances, I realized that we'd heard the best we were going to hear and the show could only go downhill. Which it did.

The excitement that Blake whipped up came to a screeching halt when Sanjaya took the stage. The only thing straight about his performance was his hair. Really. You can't argue with that hair + earrings in both ears + wimpy voice. It truly is not fair that he sings with the boys. I love how he pokes his lips out when he's getting critiqued. That might work on Paula and Shecrest, but not on Simon and Randy! If Dora the explorer and Mowgli from the Jungle Book had a kid, it would be Sanjaya.

Unfortunately, it didn't take too much talent to pick the show back up after Sanjaya. Enter Sundown. The best thing I can say for Sundown is that someone FINALLY got him to cut some of the goatee off. Not all of it, but it was a noticeable difference. Baby steps.

The show continued to drone on and on: Jared did not impress me. I've already made fun of his over the top gestures, and that hasn't gotten any better, and neither has his singing, so what is left to say? What a dud. While Brandon did much better this week than before, he's still not as good as I want him to be. You can do it, Brandon! My roommate and I think he should sing a Lenny Kravitz song. Isn't that who he reminds you of? All he needs is the scarf and glasses. Phil has officially committed Idol suicide. I would rather him stand with his back to the camera than give us that creepy, stalker stare that he manages to work into every performance. Paula was right: he bottoms out on the lower notes but hits the higher notes really well. If he makes it through to next week, which I hope he does, he should remember that morsel of advice, not just because it's good advice, but because it came from Paula and who knows when we'll hear anything sensible from her again. Chris S was good but didn't amaze me. It's a catch-22 to pick a lesser-known song. On one hand, you have the ability to develop it into your own style and be fresh. But on the other hand, I would rather someone pick a well known song and sing the crap out of it. Its more memorable. If the song is recognizable, people will remember it when its voting time.

The girls did a little bit better than the boys but not overwhelmingly better. Jordin took her cue from Blake and managed to Jordin kick off girls' night to a hot start with her song. She opened the show with some sass!

After Jordin, the show hit a lull. We've heard a lot better from Sabrina. Her song was kind of a buzz-kill, or maybe I was too busy worrying about what secret Antonella would reveal. Too bad Antonella can't sing as well as she plays the violin. Haley is simply on the wrong show - she should be over on NBC's Your The One That I Want, auditioning for Sandy, because everything she sings is so cabaret. It's just over the top. And not impressive. Stephanie did okay with her song, though she missed a few notes. We've heard so much better from her, too. What's the deal? And I guess they had to let Gina sing. Boo. She returned to her vocal roots and head-banged her way through her song. I was dizzy just watching her.

Near the end of the show, it was finally time for the fearsome twosome: Lakisha and Melinda. Lakisha did a great job with her song, though I still prefer Katharine McPhee's version from last season. Melinda tore up the stage with her impeccable performance. Simon totally stole my thought - she reminds me of a kitten when she's not singing, all lovable and cuddly and soft, but when that mic is in her hands, she's a tiger out for blood.

It's easy to see that Haley is going home, but it was a little tougher to call who would join her. After a full day of contemplation, I am predicting that it will be Jared, Sabrina and FINALLY Sanjaya.

TAXED

So I decided to keep a log while I attempt to do my 2006 taxes online on Turbo Tax. I have a lot of things I want to inquire about, from wearing contacts to moving expenses, and figure this ought to be funny:

8:00 - Pour some wine, access Turbotax.com.

8:01 - So far, so good. Name, address... this is easy.

8:02 - 'Are you being claimed as someone's dependent?' ... Check with them, why don't ya?

8:06 - I think I found the employee identification number it is asking for, but there is no 'B' labeling the box, just the number. WHERE IS THE B? What if this is the wrong number?!?

8:07 - Whew. Thanks, IRS.com. It was, in fact, the right box.

8:12 - 'Check your consolidated broker's statement and any Forms 1099-INT, Interest Income, from banks or financial institutions.' Do WHAT? I cashed some bonds, is that what you mean? I don't think I got any paperwork from that, though.

8:14 - Call my mom. No answer.

8:20 - Facebook break. Aww, someone had a candlelight.

8:35 - Discover that it was okay that I didn't file for 2005 (whoops) because I didn't make enough. Sweet.

8:27 - Look in my Checking Account file folder and found the Interest Income form, on which my mom wrote KEEP FOR TAX RETURN!!! Decide to send mom flowers. Decide to send self flowers, too.

8:28 - Turbo Tax asks me to log back in due to inactivity. Ha.

8:30 - Woohoo! It says I get $50 back!

8:36 - WHAT DID I DO? It just went from me getting $50 to owing $18.

8:40 - 'If you cashed in U.S. savings bonds this year, you may be able to exclude (not pay taxes on) some or all of the interest. Here is the catch: you must have used the money to pay for expenses related to higher education.' Hmmm. Does paying for a spring break cruise count?

8:41 - 'Did you receive any dividend income?' Hey, remember the good ol' days when finding box B was the most of my worries?

8:43 - It's asking me if I sold any bonds, property, collectible items, mutual funds, etc. Remind myself never to have any of these so my taxes go quicker each year.

8:44 - 4 of 21 topics... wow.

8:46 - 'Do you have any gains or losses from contracts or straddles to report?' Hahaha! My tax thingy just said STRADDLES.

8:50- Any Rental or Royalty Income?' Well, I am a princess. That's royalty, I guess...

8:54 - Wait... that was just the INCOME topics?

8:55 - More wine.

9:00 - My car is registered in Alabama. I cannot tell, without paying for extra TurboTax help, if AL allows deductions for vehicle registration fees, and if so, how much. Decide not to worry about it.

9:02 - 'Did you pay personal property taxes on items you owned? This includes property tax on boats, airplanes, motor homes, and mobile homes.' Not yet, hahahaha!

9:04 - I wish I'd given more to charity...

9:09 - Real World break!

9:33 - Yep, this sucks as bad as it did an hour ago. And I still owe $18. My goal is no longer to finish but to get money back.

9:40 - Wow. In 2006, I made 5 trips to Nashville for interviews in less than a month's time. I'm trying to write those trips off.

9:43 - Hey, my tank of gas to move to Nashville reduced my 'due' amount by $8.

9:45 - 'Did you have any casualties or theft due to [...] robbery?' I really should have filed for 2005.

9:47 - 'Did you pay someone, such as a nanny, housekeeper or cook to work in your home?' Not yet, hahahahaha!

9:56 - 'Congratulations! You’ve completed your returns and now you’re ready to file.' But I still OWE $10! That's not fair!

9:57 - Save my work and decide to contact a professional.

9:58 - More wine.

STARTLED

I went to Memphis this weekend. It was great. You see, Katie and I actually make time to go visit one another, so since last time she came to visit me - I mean, who knew that roads actually lead to Nashville? - it was my turn to go visit her. I was happy to do so! She and her husband have moved and their home is so cute. My friends are such grownups, I tell you.

Anyway, highlights of the trip include touring Sun Studios (don't even get me started. It was amazing. I wonder if they do weddings there?), going on Beale Street for the first time (don't be too surprised, I have far worse secrets I could share, like that I've also never been to Supper Club), finding Johnny Cash's house, and this one little incident at Pottery Barn outlet.

First of all, yes, Pottery Barn does have outlets. Second of all, Katie and I were strolling along, leisurely enjoying our conversation and coffee while walking up and down the rows of headboards, side tables, quilts, etc. We perused the rug aisle, turned the corner and came to curtains.

Well what do you do when you are browsing by curtains? You run your hand through them and move them around. So naturally, that's what I was doing, not even paying attention to what I was looking at.

Until, just like a scene out of a movie, this little boy JUMPS out of the curtains at me! It startled me so bad that I yelped out loud, not just because I was scared, but because he almost made me spill my $4 coffee! He stood still, looking at me, and then hops out of the curtains and scares Katie, too. Then he ran away.

Katie and I looked at each other and burst out laughing and couldn't stop. It was pretty funny, but at the same time reminded me of a scene in a horror movie, where there are evil, semi-invisible curtain-dwelling children running around trying to kill you.

That little boy! I hope my kids do funny stuff like that just so I can stand nearby and laugh.

CORRECT

Three out of four again! Woohoo!

I am SO glad Leslie Hunt went home. If anyone was doubting the necessity or validity of that elimination, I hope he/she listened to the very end of the show.

I, for one, could not bear to hear her sing one more note, so I got off my couch and started packing for Memphis. Two minutes into my packing, my sister called me, howling over what she'd just heard on the television. Apparently, Miss Hunt took advantage of her fleeting moments of... I would say fame, but I think that would be giving her too much credit. Anyway, instead of scatting during her performance, like she was supposed to, she decided to sing, "Whhhhyyyyyy did IIIIIIII decide to scaaaaat? America don't like jaaaaaaaaaaaaazz!" You can find the video on youtube. I would post it here but I can't stand to look at or hear her for another second.

Leslie, you incompetent bimbo, the problem is not that America "don't" like jazz. What America "don't" like is singers that CAN'T SING! Let's see - Melinda Doolittle sang "Funny Valentine," a jazz standard, and she'll probably be in the top 3! Speaking of top 3, remember Elliot Yamin? How do you think he GOT to the top 3? Jazz songs like "Home" and "Moody's Mood for Love." Katharine McPhee did it with "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." Fantasia did it with "Summertime." And that's just a short list. I'm sure we'll continue to hear many great jazz performances from Lakisha, Melinda and Blake on the show as well as on their CDs that will get released next year because they are GOOD SINGERS that deserve to be on the show and be famous, which is more than we can say for you.

In summation: get the scat out of Hollywood and go back to walking dogs! WOOF!

Lastly, did anyone else besides Shecrest and I notice Kellie's new Picklers? Lordy.