Tuesday, February 27, 2007


Time for another Idol recap. I have decided that since we'll be integrating the men and women (and Sanjaya) into one group in two weeks, I am going to begin integrating my posts. Also, I assume that what I have to say about the episodes is only funny if you watched the show, and if you watched the show then you don't need a full recap, just my witty barbs. So less descriptors and more sarcasm.

Here we go.

Shecrest welcomed us to the show with what I clocked as the longest "This................ is aMERicanidol" yet. We only have 90 minutes, Shecrest - spit it out!

I'll go ahead and say it - the dedication aspect of this show really confused me and half the contestants. Were they to dedicate the song or just the performance? There is a big gap between dedicating a song and a performance. If they were to dedicate songs, then for once Antonella did something right and dedicated a sweet song ("Because You Loved Me") to your brother). By the same token, Jared screwed up royally and dedicated "Let's Get It On" to his parents. Ew! But on the other hand, if the overall performances were dedications, then Chris R, Blake and Lakisha got it right by singing songs that probably had no significance to their loved ones, but they said some really nice stuff and followed it with outstanding performances or non-sappy songs. I think that was the smarter move. Your family can only vote a handful of times, but America can send you home. Impress the country first, and write your brother or grandmother or wife a nice letter on your own time.

That being said, on a whole I was disappointed this week. Neither group reached the bar that was set last week. The contestants can be easily categorized:

Forces To Be Reckoned With:
Lakisha - I loved her song before she even opened her mouth. Her vocals this week were not as strong as last week, but she still put on a great performance. She'll easily be back next week, hopefully after a trip to the manicurist though (aren't they supposed to cut off some of the acrylic part?)
Melinda - I'm not a fan of that song, and I still loved her performance. She knocked it out of the park. Sweet, humble and fiercely talented, she reminds me of another Melinda I know.
Jordin - Love her. She is the only contestant on the show that can pull off a Christina Aguilera song. That should be compliment enough. I also liked how Paula told Jordin that something about her is "infectious." When it comes to infections, I guess Paula would know! Ew!
Sabrina - Not the best song choice, but she can sing well, and let's be honest, nothing garners votes like a well-placed power note.
Blake - Blake, who resembled the Mushroom from Super Mario in that hat, put on a great show. Yes, show. I would pay to see Blake live. He seemed more comfortable on that stage than Paula at a pharmacy. The thing that will continue to propel Blake to the top, besides his great voice and charisma, is that he makes smart choices! If I were a contestant, I consult with him for song choices each week. He picks tunes that are lesser known and sings the crap out of them. And the beauty behind it is if he doesn't sing his best, many of us won't know because we won't have anything else to compare it to (having never heard the song before). This is smart. Someone has been paying attention the past five seasons: he did his homework and now he's passing the test.

Chris S
- He proved that he can not only backtalk, but sing well too this week by slowing it down and putting some emotion into his song. He nailed it. And for real... how did he get his wife to marry him? I mean, he's funny, but not THAT funny.

Brandon - Brandon fell victim to the dedication monster this week. Saying "Grandma, this is for you!" and then bringing the house down with a fun and upbeat song (see Lakisha) would have made him, Grandma and America much happier than what happened tonight. I am a fan of Brandon; after watching his pre-season footage I know he can sing. Hopefully, he'll make it back another week, will pick a phenomenal song and will catch back up with Blake & Co.
Phil - I like Phil. I want him to succeed. Unfortunately, I am not sure that many people share my opinion. He is getting overshadowed by the girls and while I think he'll safely land in the Top 12, I am not sure how well he'll fare without the gender allotments to buoy him. He was great last week and this week and I hope his consistency will continue.
Which of these Spock-eared baldies has talent?

Chris R
- Let me just put it out there: I am in love with Chris R. My love for him is making it very hard to continue to write fair and unbiased predictions. I thought he and Blake tied for the best performances of the night. He has the same strategy that Blake uses with song choice. Or, maybe it was Chris R's strategy to begin with and Blake stole it but is getting credit for it because he has peformed before him both weeks so far. Chris R would easily be a Force To Be Reckoned With if he'd have had pre-season hype. I am ready to place him in the top (I was ready to do it last week!) but it's still too soon to do so since, as Alaina will soon discover, looks and charm alone will not get you into the Top 12. I need one more amazing performance out of Chris... and his phone number.
Glory, thy name is Chris R.

Gina - I don't like Gina's personality but her voice is not dreadful. Gina could be a front runner if she had a pinch more talent and was a little softer around the edges. Maybe she needs to hang out with Melinda more. She translates on screen as cocky, and thanks to that center stripe in her hair, looks like a skunk. But enough about her look. The important thing is that Carrie put herself on the map in Season 4 when she sang "Alone," and I think its still a little too soon for someone with mediocre talent like Gina to sing that song. It the same risk that Lakisha took last week with singing "And I'm Telling You," except it paid off for the talented Lakisha. Gina needs to consult Blake and Chris R for help with her song choices. It's like she's making up for lost time and all the seasons she got cut from by coming out of the gate with these huge songs, and it's not a wise move. Finally, is it just me or should she have worn the cocktail dress last week, and the leather jacket this week?
"What in the hell is Leslie wearing and more importantly, how am I still on this show?" Gina asks.

- I think with a little more preseason exposure, this girl would be a front runner. Instead, Melinda and Lakisha got coverage that Stephanie should have received. She can sing well though, and like I said before, a power note is usually a ticket back for the next week.

Jared - If we weren't so distracted by his body language (Jared has me fully convinced that he is actually very ready to "Get It On," as his song suggested) and if he had an ounce more talent, I think Jared would go really far. Unfortunately, once it becomes every man and woman for his/herself, I think he and Phil will fight an uphill battle against the women. For this week, I think the performance was enough to get him back one more time. Barely.
We believe you Jared!

AJ - AJ was smooth, suave and confident, and sang well, but is missing something. He gave a good performance but is losing the race to superstar males like the Chrisses and Blake. Luckily for AJ, there's always the...

Sundance - Sundance is hereby known as Sundown, as his moment in time is coming to a halt. He did just okay this week. I was not as in love with it as Randy and Paula were. Yes, it was much better than his performance last week, but that's like saying that spoiled, curdled milk smells a lot better than month-old poop. Either way: it stinks! And yes, Sundown, one day you and Levi will sit on the couch, watch a tape of Idol and laugh... at your goatee!
Goatee attacks man, story at 5.

Leslie - If I had auditioned this season, and saw that this girl made it over me, I'd be really insulted. She makes awful song selections and cannot sing! Who opts to scat the same round as Blake?! I would have changed my song after hearing him on Tuesday. She kept singing "I know how I feel" but the real questions were: did she know how she sounded, and did she know how she looked? AWFUL on both accounts. It's like The Babysitters Club meets Pippi Longstocking meets a dying cat.
I get dressed with my eyes closed, too!

- Covering up and taming his impossibly large hair is the smartest thing Sanjaya has done the whole season. If only we could say the same of his song selection. Sanjaya has a knack for picking songs that foreshadow his performance. Last week, he sang "I don't want to bore you with it" over and over and he totally bored us with it. This week it was "I won't waste your time" and unfortunately, he did! I bet you money, next week he'll pick "Killing Me Softly." He just makes it too easy! Something's gotta give with this kid. He reminds me of Michael Jackson. Should they let him sing on the women's night next week? If the nicest thing that even Paula can say about you is "At least you were in pitch!" then it's time to throw in the towel.
I'm just saying...

Nick - The only good thing about Nick's performance was the drummer. I think we should vote the drummer through to the next round as a proxy for Nick. He should have broken through the raspy voice at some point during the song, as there was plenty of time for it. Instead, he just phoned this one in. Even though Simon was snapping along, don't be fooled. It was an awful performance of a song that is not hard to sing well.

Be Glad You're Pretty:
Alaina - Where do I start? After her video lead-in, I found myself liking her for 10 seconds tonight, which is now the collective sum of how long I have liked her so far this season. She talked about how this song was more appropriate and her personality, and then whips out this angry, loaded song by the Dixie Chicks. WHAT? I thought it couldn't get worse than last week for her, but once she began gasping for breath in the middle of the song, I realize I had grossly underestimated her ability to fail. Don't misunderstand me - I like "Not Ready To Make Nice." I don't really like the Dixie Chicks, but it's a good song. The political message behind the artist and the song is not what this is about. This is about a girl with minimal talent picking the worst songs that she can. I mean, really. Just jump off Red Room balcony, Alaina. You'll get more publicity out of it.
"Okay, who farted?" "Ooops!"

Haley - First of all, I don't trust people that crimp their hair, but that is another whole post. The real issue is that this week we finally discover the secret to why Haley dresses like a slut: her fiancé has not been in L.A. with her, so watching her on TV is as much action as he gets. And furthermore, she cleans up her song by not saying "damn" but gyrates around like a stripper who lost her pole? That's a mixed message if I've ever seen it. What a joke. Good news, Haley - you're going home to your fiancé. Be sure to take your crimping iron with you.
Antonella - When Shecrest said "After the break, Antonella with some Celine for us," I literally screamed out loud. Torture. I don't even - no. I can't talk about it. We've seen MORE than enough of Antonella this week, if you know what I mean. Hang up your hippy dress and head on home to Jersey, where a boyfriend and a porn career await you.
"Wait a minute, that was LIVE?!?!?! CRAP!"

I would LOVE it if Antonella went home this week but thanks to all her drama, too many people know her name right now. I think Leslie and Haley will walk from the girls.
From the males, I think Nick and AJ are going home. I would MUCH rather it be Sundown or Sanjaya, but it won't be. Not as long as there is hairspray on hand and poor songs to be sung.

So far, I'm 3/4 after 1 week! Woohoo!


Words well written don't do justice to a lifetime well lived.

linchpin. noun: a central cohesive source of support and stability.

Funny that I never realized it, but he was the linchpin that held us all together. After he left, slowly but surely we all spiraled out of control like a cart that losts its driver. I'm glad he wasn't around to see the aftermath.

I can honestly say that my life would not have been the same without him, and not just because he he was my grandad and hero. Now I see what remains. What did it cost him, what did he sacrifice, to provide for me when he didn't have to? He didn't even live to see the ripest fruits of his labor. Would he be proud of me? So much has happened, both good and bad, since he's been gone. No victory or celebration has been complete without him.

Three years without him is three years too many.

Thank you for being the most respected man I ever knew.

Monday, February 26, 2007


Dear Psychic Capabilities,

Thanks for showing up in time for this year's season of American Idol. Together, we're batting .75 after one week of predicting the 4 who go home. Stick around after Idol and we'll work on prediciting where/when I can meet a mate.


Dear My Idea of Fun,

After the longest work trip ever, I can safely declare that you no longer include anything "cowboy" or "western."


Dear Britney,

You are so much cheaper than therapy. Yep, I already feel better about myself!


Sunday, February 25, 2007


And the Oscar for best acting at the Oscars goes to:

Seriously? Hilarious. Well done, boys.

Ellen's highlights included:

"This has gotta be your favorite part of the night, because right now it's a level playing field. You don't really know who's going to win. Unless you're Britsh, and then you know you have a pretty good shot."

"Let's be honest, it's not that we don't have time for long speeches; it's that we don't have time for boring speeches. So if you don't have anything interesting to say I suggest you make something up. You know, 'I remember when I was a kid growing up in the Bronx.' Even if you weren't from there, people love it when you come from the Bronx. 'They told me I'd never be an actor, cause I couldn't read,' even if you could, you know? Tell 'em you lived in your car! Ooh, they love that."

"There's no rhyme or reason to who is going to win and how they figure these things out. Jennifer Hudson is here tonight, look at that. Jennifer Hudson was on American Idol, America didn't vote for her, and yet she's here with an Oscar nomination. That's amazing, that's incredible. And then, Al Gore is here, America DID vote for him, and then… you know? Very complicated."

"What a wonderful night, such diversity in the room, in a year when there's been so many negative things said about people's race, religion and sexual orientation, and I wanna put this out there: if there weren't blacks, Jews and gays there would be no Oscars. Or, anyone named Oscar, when you think about that."

Saturday, February 24, 2007


I used to think it was cliché to say you have something "running through your blood" or "in your veins"... None of us really bleed orange or blue or purple or green, and we really don't have hunting or football or our alma mater in our blood.

Key word: I USED to think this.

Last week, I was sitting at Starbucks, enjoying good laughs and good coffee with my friend and her groom-elect, when I noticed something so unbelieveable and amazing that I almost wet my pants.

Wes really does have Auburn in his veins.

Wes was holding his hand out in just the right light when I noticed that his veins make the prestigious interlocking AU. I was going to photoshop this picture to emphasize the shadow so you can better see his veins, but then you might not believe me and the magnitude of this discovery.

See for yourself (click the photo for closer inspection):

Emphasis added:
I'm calling NASA. This is right up there with Jesus toast. The only thing that would impress me more is freckles that script Ohio.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


American Idol kicked off its sixth season last night. I have decided to do a weekly recap of Idol, since a) I like the show b) I think I'm funny and c) it's still my blog!

I have to say that I am not very pumped up about this Top 24. I believe we'll have another great Top 12 once we whittle it down to that. But there are so many random weak lemons in the Top 24 that we have to suffer through for three weeks (I'm talking to you, Antonella). Without consulting any outside sources lest my opinions be tainted, here we go with week one.

Week Weak One - Boys

We began the show with a hearty welcome from Ryan Shecrest. (By the way Ryan, the Newsies called, they want their costume back.) The contestant parade and the judges intro followed.

The first performance of the night came from Rudy, who - judging by his shirt - is sponsored by Target. Rudy sang "Free Ride," but should have changed the words to "Free Time" because he had way too much of it in this song. As a result, there was excessive use of "woo!" and "yeah!". Rudy, leave the nervous squalling to Taylor Hicks. Randy hit the nail on the head when he labeled this performance corny.

Following Rudy was Brandon the Backup Singer. Heading into the night as one of my two favorites, Brandon gave a lively performance of "Rock With You." Unfortunately, his excessive exposure during the audition coverage bit him in the hiney tonight because we all have heard Brandon sing better. He did okay with the song, but it was not his best. Randy summed it best when he advised Brandon to stick to the melody more instead of wavering off on runs. Brandons's teeth definitely clocked in for live TV - thank you, Crest Whitening Strips! - and I love that he rolled his eyes at Simon. Between him and Chris S, it's going to be a good season, folks!

However, I'd take a mediocre performance by Brandon over a great performance from, oh I don't know - Sundance? Why is this guy in the Top 24 and more importantly, what is he hiding in that goatee? If he wants to remain on the show, he needs to spend less time gelling his hair and more time shaving that dog on his chin. His rendition of "Nights In White Satin" was awful. Just awful. Including his awkward Ricky Bobby hand gestures. Simon was more than generous when he likened the performance to a Dad at a wedding. But unfortunately for us, whenever Simon calls anyone a wedding singer, they go on to win (see Taylor Hicks).

Next came Paul. Was I the only one totally unable to understand a word he was saying until he got to the chorus? "Careless Whisper" was about the perfect song for Paul to sing, because I am quite certain that Paul is "never gonna dance" OR sing again, at least not on the Idol stage. Congratulations - you're barefoot! So am I! The only redeeming moment of Paul's performance occurred afterward, when a shoeless Shecrest pranced onto stage to show off his pedicure. Come out of the closet already!

Just when I thought that the Blades of Glory trailer would be most interesting thing I would watch on TV that night, Idol whips out one of its secret weapons: Chris R. I really don't remember seeing much of this guy during audition coverage, so when he promised to "rock out" I had my doubts. However - if anyone named Chris (Daughtry much?) promises to "rock out" - believe him! This guy was good! "I Don't Wannabe" was easily the best performance so far. He seemed very comfortable on stage, and was dressed to the nines. Well done, Chris.

Following Chris R was Nick. Two words, Nick: WRONG SONG. "Now and Forever" went on for all night, but at least he got all of his words right! FYI: Don't be fooled by the tears during his lead-in video. I'm pretty sure he was just still in pain from his eyebrow wax (which I'll bet $10 Shecrest booked for him).

Next came Blake. Our resident beat-boxer had something to prove tonight, and he came with both arms swinging. Blake sang "Somewhere Only We Know" perfectly, proving his versatility as an entertainer. He was also unusually calm and collected, displaying total stage presence. Blake said he wanted to "show America he came to sing." Note taken, Blake. At that point, he had sung the best performance of the night.

At this point in the telecast, my TV messed up and aired "America's Most Talented Kid" instead of Idol. At least that's what I thought was happening when I saw innocent, giggling Sanjaya. He giggles like a 12-year-old boy that's just seen his first boob. "Knock Me Off My Feet" was not quite what the song did. I felt like I was in the audience of a high school talent show. However poor the performance was, for some reason Simon would not let it go. Hey Mr. Cowell, this dead horse is really starting to smell. Can we move on? (PS - Sanjaya - Sundance has a razor that he's not using. Go borrow it and lose some of that hair, kid.)

Next came Chris S, or playing on his last name, Chris "Sly." Chris sang "Typical" and did an amazing job. His song selection was very smart - I'm sure I'm one of many viewers who was not familiar with this song. Rather than choose a widely known tune, Chris went with something he was able to make his own. He was in perfect pitch the whole song and seemed very comfortable on stage. The Chrises are here to stay, y'all. But if by some Jennifer Hudson-esque glitch the Idol gig doesn't work out, I'm pretty sure this kid has a future in stand-up comedy.

Following Chris was Jared, who sang "Back at One." Jared's got a good voice but his performance was not outstanding. He can count, though! Also, Jared has obviously been working with Ace from last season, learning the proper way to reach out longingly toward the camera and stare seductively. Nice work.

I did not expect much from AJ. A fifth time contestant, I would assume he'd have gotten the message around attempts three or four. However - AJ proved that some things are worth waiting for. His performance of "Never Too Much" was great, a total surprise. (Not worth waiting for? Paula dancing. This isn't Laker Girls practice - sit down!) Simon's praise, as backward as it was, was on the mark: AJ is better than we originally thought.

Rounding out the night's performances was Phil. He was my other favorite going into tonight. I was glad Phil clarified that he did not plan to miss the birth of his daughter, it just happened that way since she came early. As much as I love Idol, I would say someone who chose fame over family has his priorities messed up. After we got that out of the way, Phil took the stage. His eerie glare into the camera initially turned me off, but once he got into the chorus of "I Could Not Ask for More," I had chill bumps. Especially when he held the "all" in "all I've waited for." Phil's voice is as big as he is tall, and Idol completely saved the best for last. Before Randy said it, I'd already decided Phil was the best of the night.

My prediction: this week's male bottom dwellers are Rudy, Paul, Sanjaya, Sundance, Jared and Nick. I hope Rudy and Paul make the long journey home (maybe Paul will put on some shoes for the occasion). I wouldn't be upset or surprised if Sanjaya or Sundance go home, but I think due to their on-air exposure so far, we haven't seen the last of them yet.

Other things I noticed: American Idol got some new sponsors. The show, which used to be sponsored by Cingular, Coke and Ford, is now sponsored by the colors brown, gray and black. Time to spice up the wardrobe a bit, fellows. Remember Taylor's famous purple jacket? Me too.

I also must mention the sexual tension that has crept into the show. Whereas before, Shecrest and Simon used to just quarrel like siblings, now it's gotten awkward. Did you notice how flustered Shecreset got when Simon called him sweetheart? I think I saw him stomp his precious, pedicured foot. I think Simon has something on Shecrest. Maybe Simon caught him in an unfortunate situation and has blackmail on him. Maybe Shecrest has his panties in a wad because the judges picked only three contestants his height or shorter. Time will tell.

Also, Shecrest needs to save the pop culture references for his E! job. We hear enough about Britney's new haircut everywhere else, Ryan. Just let them sing.

I expect better from the girls tonight, but unfortunately, I won't be able to comment about it since I will not have internet access on my work trip. Till next week, talk amongst yourselves!

Monday, February 19, 2007


Lately, everything with Britney and Kevin has gone haywire. Less than a year ago, Britney was the clean and classy one. After recent incidents, I no longer can tell who I like least. Everything we wanted to believe is a lie! Therefore, I decided to get to the bottom of this. I made a super scientific table in order to determine who wins between K-Fed and Britney Shears:

Category Britney
Common Sense
Upper Hand In a Custody Battle
Parenting Skills
Chance For A Comeback

Probably Carries Diseases

Highest Alcohol Tolerance
Remaining Potential
Last Laugh

It looks like K-Fed wins! I suppose he owes it to his new publicist... her name is Britney Spears! Surely he is paying her under the table for this amazing image transformation he's undergone. It's a miracle!

Now that evidence points out Britney is the one we should feel sorry for, I took some time to write some new verses and a chorus for Britney's old song, "Crazy." Britney Shears can record this, admit what we all know to be true (that she's gone nuts), sell another hit record and revive her career!

"Crazy [Remix]" by Lindsay

Baby, I've gone cuckoo.
I'm drunk but I think I want a new hairdo.
The floor is spinning around, oh
If I'm not careful, I'll drop my son on the ground
Everyone will look at me
They will not believe it when they come to see:

I have gone craaaaazy
I never sleep
Always out partying, I look so cheap
I have gone craaaaazy
Lost my mind outright
It's not my two sons that keep me up all night!

Paaaaass me those clippers right there
It's time to get rid of all this hair
Tellllll me that I look fine
Rub my bald head while I do a line
Anyone seen my underwear
or my two sons? Oh wait - I don't care!

I have gone craaaaazy
I never sleep
Always out partying, I look so cheap
I have gone craaaaazy
Lost my mind outright
It's not my two sons that keep me up all night!

I have gone craaaaazy
I never sleep
Always out partying, I look so cheap
I have gone craaaaazy
Lost my mind outright
It's not my two sons that keep me up all night!
It's not my two sons that keep me up all night!"

It's a hit, Britney! Trust me!


One of the things I love about the south is my southern accent. I love that one syllable words sometimes have two: "will" is "weeuyl" and "head" is "heyud." I love watching videos of my sister and I when we were babies, talking to the video camera. "Mama, feelm me while I go ova thay-ur and do a flee-yup." "Mommy, watch this! We're gon' pre-tee-und like we tha bears at Showbeeyiz."

Rednecks we were not. But southern, we still are.

Which is why I nearly lost my lunch the other week when I was listening to a famous storyteller (yes, that is a job) at a work event. This well-educated man, who travels all over the country, broke the news to us that within a generation or two, dialects and accents might be completely gone.

Doesn't that make you sick? But it makes perfect sense at the same time. After some research on Google, here is what I was able to come up with:

First, all of the accents (eastern, southern, northern) are all merging together. People are moving in all directions, following jobs, schools, etc. How often do you meet someone whose typical answer to "where are you from?" goes something like this: “I was born in Ohio, but moved to Georgia for school and now I work in New York." People moving around so much more means that accents and dialects are being crossed, mixed and phased out.

Did you know that the original dialects in this country were the results of the accents of the immigrants who landed on the east coast? That is why all the majority of accents are in the east. However, as the immigrants migrated to the west, all the accents merged into one, so there are no distinctive regional dialects west or north of southern Ohio (exceptions: Illinois and Minnesota). While there are peculiar pronunciations and vocabularies, like infamous Valleygirl slang in California, there are no distinctive dialects, like the Brooklyn, Boston or southern accent. Now the regional speech differences are fading in the east, as well. And unfortunately, terms and pronunciations that I remember hearing during my childhood, already no longer exist. I imagine this is even more true for my mom's generation.

Secondly, it seems to be a function of education. The more highly educated you want to appear, the less of an accent you strive to have. Why do you think comedians, when imitating President Bush, grossly exaggerate his Texas accent? I have a friend whose everyday voice drips with southern hospitality. It's like she just stepped off the set of Steel Magnolias. But when she meets people or speaks to strangers, her voice totally changes into that of a newscaster's. She does not want her sweet, meek southern voice to indicate ignorance or timidity. I am guilty of this too. Don't we all have an "interview voice?"

Third, we can thank television. Children are watching so much more television than two generations ago, which is what preserved accents for so long and is disintegrating them now. A lot of kids today spend a few hours at daycare, then get picked up by a nanny and plopped in front of the television until Mom or Dad get home to tuck him or her in. This lack of dialogue means that most of the conversations the kid hears is from the television, where everyone speaks the same. TV "brings the dominant dialect to everyone and generally makes fun of the non-dominant ones." Were you like me, and had a very thick accent when you were smaller? As we grow older, we watch more TV and before we know it, we are affected and unwittingly robbed of most of our accents. My 6-year-old cousin speaks with more enunciation and articulation than the rest of our family combined. Seriously. She speaks perfect English. I blame Dora and Barney.

All of that to say, I have enacted a plan to protect the charming dialect spoken by my unborn children and I. First of all, I am training myself to speak MORE southern. Call me if you don't believe me. Secondly, I am also correcting my friends that are losing their southern accent (cough Eric Dunlap and Drew Streich cough). If you whip out some funky non-southern pronunciation that you should know better than to use, I'm going to call you out. Lastly, if I ever have kids, I am going to ban television and home-school them so that no well-intended teacher can instruct my kids that "will" is not pronounced "weeuyl" and "heyud" is actually just "head." The south shall rise again... at least in my family.

Friday, February 16, 2007


Dear John Mayer,

Your body may be a wonderland, but your hair is a disaster.


Dear Pelliroja,

Happy one-year anniversary! I can still smell the smoke...


Dear Snowflakes,

Stick, dangit!


Dear Antonella Barba,

I'm not sure who you slept with in order to make it onto American Idol, but I hoped you thanked him.


Thursday, February 15, 2007


I traded eyeless fish for diamond tacos!

Monday, February 12, 2007


Valentine's Day is coming up. As if anyone needs a reminder. All you have to do is walk into any store (including Starbucks, thanks; "make that one Marble Mocha Macchiato, extra dejection, no whipped cream") and you'll be overwhelmed with red and pink hearts. Cupid? More like STUPID!

I was 50-50 for my predictions for last Valentine's Day, I'd just like to add. While my mother was not the next in my family to tie the knot, someone did in fact get married and I now enjoy wine that costs $6.87. That's a $2 upgrade.

Predicitions for Valentine's Day 2008: My mother will be planning her wedding and I'll still be single.

Here are some other Valentine's Day/romance related funny reads. Looking for the perfect Valentine to send this year? Maybe you can find it here! Or, maybe you are discovering the ways of the wise and are looking to get single this Valentine's Day. Here is a funny, true e-mail exchange between ex-lovers that was forwarded to me last year. I dug it up just to post it in time for Valentine's Day because it's hilarious and the most anti-romantic thing I've ever read.

Hope your Valentine's Day is great!

Sunday, February 11, 2007


Happy Blogging Birthday!!!!!

The Diary of a Bored/Employed Twenty-Something turned ONE YEAR OLD on February 9. What a momentous occasion. To celebrate, I stayed at home, drank wine and watched SNL reruns. Wild, I know.

It's been a long but well-documented year. I think the highlights were ice skating with my cousin, losing my keys at Target, meeting Carrie Underwood and the recent gay roach invasion. Of course, those only highlight what made it onto the blog. There were plenty of highs (and lows) from the past year that you never read about.

Here's to finding myself in many more awkward situations that will insprire me to write funny posts. Thanks for reading!

P.S. - Yes, I made that cake... closest I'll come to baking this year, probably.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007


We have gay cockroaches in our condo.

I know they are gay. In fact, I am convinced that our condominium is the San Fransisco of the cockroach world.

In my opinion, nothing as dirty and disease-ridden as a roach could be a girl. Before you wax all scientific on me, I know that it is physically impossible to have all male cockroaches. I especially know this after taking time to read the Wikipedia article about Blatella Americana, which informed me that a female roach only needs to be impregnated ONCE to be able to lay eggs for the rest of her life, allowing one single cockroach to lay over a million eggs during her lifespan. Can you imagine? One bad night and a million kids later, you still might not know who the father is.

However, I keep telling myself I just have yet to see a female roach. Surely a female roach is pink and purple, smells like begonias and has glittery antennae. Without these redeeming feminine qualities, she is a heinous mockery of womankind. So I must not have met a female roach yet -- not that I'm upset.

Knocked-Up She-roach

Therefore all the ugly, creepy brownish red ones we've seen must be manroaches. They are nasty.

But we find them in places that only gay male cockroaches would linger! A heterosexual male roach would be found watching SportsCenter on our couch, or chomping merrily through the bag of potato chips.

But not our roaches. They're gay.

The first one we found was loitering in the kitchen, on the shelf with all the baking products. What kind of manroach hides between whole-wheat flour and PAM spray, reading the recipe on the bag of the Nestlé chocolate chips bag? A gay one that wants to put on an apron and bake gay roach cookies, that's what kind.

The next two we saw were in the bathroom. Christy had the good fortune of finding one in the shower with her, while I had the privilege of finding the other one on my towel milliseconds before drying off with it (which unfortunately resulted in my constant twitching all day long since I felt like a roach was crawling on me the entire day). What kind of manroaches spend prolonged periods of time in the bathroom with all the hair products and bubble bath and whitening strips? A gay one that probably eats hair gel, that's what kind.

The one Christy found this morning was so gay that it might as well have had rainbow wings. She found it in her makeup bag. Oh, hell no. What kind of fruity, queer manroach crawls to the bottom of a makeup bag, navigating eyeshadow and blush before wedging between a powder compact and eyelash curler? A gay one, that's what kind!

I fully expect the next roach I see to greet me with a "Heeeey, girl - howyabeen?!"

Why did Noah take roaches on the ark? Why did God even make them? A cockroach can survive up to a month without a head or food and can also hold its breath for 45 minutes. But MOST disgusting of all, and this really does take the cake: they leave chemical trails in their feces! Other cockroaches will follow these trails to discover sources of food, water (and makeup) and where other roaches are hiding. This is not normal!!!! If I see a pile of poop in my path, I'm going the opposite direction. Never once have I seen feces of any kind and thought "Oh goody; it's a clue!"

So for now, they're here, and they're queer. At least until I call pest control. Enjoy it while you can, gay cockroaches. Your days are numbered.

"Heeey girl!"

Monday, February 05, 2007


Have I finally run out of things to post about? No one's coming to visit... no one's getting married (this month)... I haven't been insulted by any celebrities today... Wow - is this writer's block?

Even perusing my big folder of Drafts proves useless. For once, I have nothing new or funny to say!

Ooooh - It snowed in Nashville. I, of course, was not in town. But rest assured that I enjoyed the 2.4 second gleeful romp in the half-centimeter-thick patch of snow that was waiting for me on the shady side of my car when I got home.

wordpress blog stats