Monday, September 25, 2006


Mom and I cut up together from day one.

Happy about something!

Probably thrilled anticipating our next ride at Disney World, while Jennifer is unhappy about something... how uncharacteristic of her at that age!

A starfish!

I miss Granny and Pawpaw.

"Fur Fur" and I, after she got over thinking it was cute to threaten to pour hot coffee on me.

Oh how I love bathtubs... and Auburn visors!


Dear $5,149 Georgio Armani dress that I saw on sale at T.J. Maxx for $799.99 in their new Runway section,

I hate to break it it you, but I think you would've sold faster in a Saks for the full price of $5,149 than you will in T.J. Maxx for a "low" $799.99.


Dear Lady who shouted "There's an Entrance and there's an Exit!" to me and the old man Exiting through the Entrance at Walmart yesterday,

First of all, let she without sin be the first to condemn. Secondly, to be THAT observant, I would have thought you'd have noticed by now that the mullet is no longer in style?


Dear Friend of mine who, according to his facebook profile, thinks that "you couldn't throw a rock and hit a decent girl in 'Trashville',"

Maybe all the "decent girls" are hiding out with the decent boys. If you find them, you let me know. Hey! I know where to start looking: NOT at your computer updating your facebook profile at 1:45 a.m on Saturday night!


Wednesday, September 20, 2006


Disclaimer: I don't currently watch this show, have never watched this show, and have no intentions of beginning to consider making time to be available to watch this show. But this is one of the funniest 4 minutes of television I have seen all year. WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO?!?!? WHERE DO WE DRAW THE LINE?!?!

Pay special attention to the girls' names (e.g.: Nibblz, Spunkeey), in case the main plot isn't enough to entertain you.

make sure to listen for:
"Sumthin' pooping on the floor!"
"How I 'spose to get upstairs?"
"I'm sorry, this !@#% don't fly where I from!"
"I was just holding it, and then all a sudden my stomach was just like B***, you got me ****ed up! So like, it just like, pushed itself out." - Sumthin'
"I like Sumthin', cause she's real with it. She's like 'Yo, check this out, baby this is who I am!' " - Flava Flaaayve

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Since we are now halfway through MTV's "Two A Days," I present to you my favorite quotes, along commentary on why they are funny. I'm sure all parties involved are being misprepresented and situations are exaggerated on the show and everyone's actually nice, but I can't make this stuff up, folks:

"Don't act like you're a damn 12-year-old, damn excited to be staying at a damn hotel. Get your ass in the bed!" - Coach Propst to the team while staying in the hotel before the Nease game. This is funny because he uses the word damn three times in the sentence. Couple that with Propst's accent and it is oddly hysterical.

"...they've come to Alabama, where football is king." - Chaplain Slay to the team before their season opener against Nease. This is funny because the CHAPLAIN of all people is telling the team that FOOTBALL is King. Moments before this, he told them that he hoped they know that God holds the blueprint for their lives. If God = football, then I guess that makes sense!

"Let's go out there and physically beat the piss outtaehm. Let's go." - Coach Propst to the team before the Spain Park game. This is just funny because it left me wondering how hard you would have to beat someone in football for piss physically to come from him/her.

"Ross, who the [censored] did you just throw that ball to?" - Coach Propst to the quarterback. This is funny because of how Propst said it. He enunciates every single syllable and it sounds funny.

- Coach Propst at practice. He needs subtitles like Don Vito! All I could understand was the word 'ass' strategically and emphatically thrown in.

"Some you boys think you scholarship worthy? Guess who holds that key? (dramatic pause) DING." - Coach Propst in the post-game talk. This is funny because even though his face lights up when he says the word "ding," Rush chooses to say, rather than exclaim, this word thus adding to its oratorical effectiveness.

Get yo' ass in here, lazy bitches... That was the worst defensive football I have witnessed at Hoover High School. The WORST! The WORST! The WORST! That's em-damn-barrassing."- Coach Propst in the same post-game talk. He really did say "The WORST!" that many times. And em-damn-barrassing? Someone call Webster's!

"There's a thief coming tonight... at 7 p.m. to Wildcat Field. Get up in their grill! Stick one in their earhole! Knock. Them. Off. Their. Feet. God bless everyone of ya."- Chaplain Slay in one of his speeches. Stick WHAT in their earhole, Chaplain?

"I don't mind losing; it's the way in which we lost." - Coach Propst referring to Tuscaloosa County loss. Oh Coach Propst, are you SURE that you don't mind losing? Are you just sure? Cause you had me fooled.

"Max, its a touchdown for Vestavia 'cause you're a dumbass. Get off the field - you may not be a player but you can look like one!" - Coach Pruitt to Max. So THAT'S how points are distributed. Dumbasses 0, Nondumbasses 7.

"Tonight is the time to be a bold witness.... For the Buccaneers! Stare your destiny in the face... tonight that destiny is wearing red and blue!" - Coach Slay referring to beating Vestavia, at least I think he is. I'm starting not to be able to tell if we're talking about football, a cult or both.

Monday, September 18, 2006


Bama fans make ex-
cuses for LSU now
too! Whaddya know!?

Save those excuses
for when we play you, Bama.
I'm sure you'll have tons!

I want to move in-
to my soup's bread bowl. Oh, too
late. I just ate it.

Thursday, September 14, 2006


A life-changing video: Heidi and Ryan do the damn thing... JB, this is for you! GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


So I just got off of the phone with a friend of mine who just took a job at a private school here in Nashville. She called to tell me that she was offered the job, which is exciting, but even more exciting is the encounter that took place on her way into the interview!

She walked into the main office and saw a thin blonde woman leaning against the counter, talking to the receptionist. Upon hearing the door open, thin blonde turned around and said "hi" to my friend. Once my friend saw the thin blonde's face, she recognized who it was: FAITH FREAKIN HILL! MY FRIEND WORKS WHERE FAITH HILL AND TIM MCGRAW'S KIDS GO TO SCHOOL! AND IF THAT ISN'T ENOUGH? MARTINA MCBRIDE'S KIDS GO THERE TOO!!!!!!!!!! I am contemplating a new career as a lunch lady or gym teacher or something. It's common knowledge here that Tim or Faith take their kids to school everyday (they don't get a nanny or someone to do it) so my friend will likely be seeing a lot of Mr. and Mrs. McGraw around campus.

Naturally, I told her to sign me up for the PTA newsletter and to go ahead and buy me a ticket to the Christmas show. I am going to stalk something fierce out of that school. Haha!

Celebrities, consider yourself warned! You can run but you can't hide!!!!!

Sunday, September 10, 2006


Nothing says "Lose Weight"
like a tear in the ass of
your favorite jeans.

Ass got Jeans on its
side and convinced them to rip.
Treadmill, here I come.

Sunday, September 03, 2006


So, a funny story. Funny now, of course, but at the time, not so much.

I moved into my new room on August 12. My lovely roomie had her spare room all cleared and ready to go and had made way for me in the linen closet, bathroom, etc. It was great!

Over the past few weeks, when I wasn't out of town or at work, I was trying to get my room set up. It really deflates your spirit when all of your stuff is in Rubbermaid/cardboard boxes, as well as suitcases, as my stuff has seemed to stay for the past year and a half. It affects your emotions. I already feel like a nomad, living out of boxes only reinforces it. The second-to-last major hurtle was getting a desk, which I accomplished last weekend when I brought an extra desk here from Birmingham. I immediately went to work setting up my computer and filling the drawers with my stationery and notepads pens and stamps and other stuff I accrued in college. It felt great to be emptying boxes, even greater to throw some stuff away (including everything pink, purple and lime) and INCREDIBLY great to be organized again! I put up my picture frames on my desk and dresser, I bought a new shade for my lamp (because I threw away the shade I decorated with pink fringe my freshman year), hung some stuff on the walls and my dried bridesmaid bouquets that I CAREFULLY brought back from AL were the finishing touch. Everything was starting to come together and look like the bedroom of a sophisticated young adult/college graduate.

Except one thing: I could not get the internet to work in my room!

This is important to me for a lot of reasons, more than I think my roommate expected or realized. Of course there's e-mail. I need to get Skype so that I can talk to my best friend who will be in Italy all fall. I use Instant Messenger to stay in touch with some of my friends that I just can't seem to get a hold of otherwise. And now that Sister is engaged, I want to be free to look at stuff that she sends to me - venues, dresses, etc. - any time of day. (Notice Facebook is not even on that list: I do enough of that at work.)

So anyway, my roommate is in sales and uses this condo as her home office, so her employer provides her with a modem and pays for her internet connection. DSL doesn't even show up on her bills from Bellsouth. We didn't want to tamper with the current arrangement nor did we want to add service that I was going be paying for by myself. Due to that, I knew that getting the internet set up wasn't going to be simple. I call Bellsouth. She calls Bellsouth. She calls her employer. We ask our landlord (her boyfriend). No one is 100% sure what do but everyone offers a different solution.

So this all kicks off when I go to CompUSA and purchase - upon Bellsouth's recommendation - a USB adaptor. I install it, plug it in, it doesn't work. I figured it wouldn't because that would be too easy. First try? Like that ever works for me. It wants a password to get on my roommate's wireless network (her employer has it secured). Someone tells me to go get a Router, because I need that. So, even though Bellsouth has told me that the brand of modem she has is ALSO a router for wireless connection, I go back to CompUSA and buy a router. Well, of course that doesn't work. I still need a password, and the installation for the Router tells me I need a modem, too. To say I am frustrated at this point would be an understatement.

So the next day I go BACK to CompUSA, where they now know me by name. I cannot think of anything else that this ordeal will require short of a new computer, so rather than buy out the inventory of the whole store, I take my modem and call it a day.

You know the drill - install, set it up, for whatever reason it still doesn't work. Now I am threatening - albeit in jest- to move out. Roommate calls employer. I call Bellsouth and finally talk to someone who understands! We walk through how to find the password to get on the wireless network. The phone call goes downhill when we discover that to access the password, you have to know another password. I begin to think my roommate works for the CIA, as secure as her computer is.

Now let me just say this much: I am by no means technologically savvy, but ever since my Dad brought home our first Macintosh in 5th grade, I've always been the one to fix the computer. My parents lacked the technological understanding and my sister lacked the patience. I've had to set up my computer about 20 times since I moved to school and figure out how to get internet connection in about 5 different ways. I installed a new CD drive in my old computer my junior year and even had to create a browser (like Internet Explorer) for a class project senior year. I'm not brilliant, but I'm "smarter than the average bear" when it comes to this kind of stuff. Therefore, not being able to fix a computer issue is unnerving, because it's a computer issue first of all, and secondly because I hate not being able to fix my issues - but that's another whole post!

Fully exasperated and at my wit's end, I pack up the $200 worth of useless wireless equipment and return it to CompUSA. My last resort is my roommate's suggestion: run a cord through the condo from her super secure modem to my computer. The idea of a cord running through the condo never occurred to me because our computers don't share a wall and I'm trying not to backslide to the ways of dormitory life with unsightly cords taped to the walls and doorways. Nonetheless, I pick up a 25-foot-long Ethernet cord at WalMart and start dreaming of ways that this could go wrong or require another long phone call from Bellsouth.

But of course it doesn't, because that's how my life tends to work. $200 and 3 trips to CompUSA for useless crap, or $20 for a long-ass Ethernet cable that works on the first try? Exactly.

Friday, September 01, 2006


Dear Every Single Person On Facebook Whose Status Has Something To Do With Football Season Starting,



Dear New Coffee Mug That I Picked Up From Pier One,

I only spent $6 on you and have had you for three weeks, and yet you garner more compliments than any outfit I've worn to the office in the past three months.

Ironic. And a little frustrating.


Dear All The Cute Boys I Find On Facebook,

Damn it, why were you all born in 1988?!? I bet you don't even know what a Fraggle Rock is.


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